Show of hands: Who among us hasn’t experienced that very specific urge to take our children out with the trash at one time or another? You know, kick ’em to the curb? Sell them to the highest bidder? Hell, even pay someone to take them away?
Asking for a friend.
Ella Jane Brookbanks of Wilmslow, England, readily admits to feeling that way when her kids are at their worst; although unlike most parents, she took it one step further — she actually offered him up for sale on Facebook. All in jest, of course.
Here’s the thing: Brookbanks’ 14-year-old son Bradley is a good kid. Probably. Or maybe he once was. These day, though? Take a teenager, stir him and his raging adolescent hormones together with parents that aim to hold him to high basic human standards — you know, like dressing himself in clean, un-ripped clothes and getting to sleep at a decent hour — and it’s essentially a recipe for door slamming and eye rolling.
Brookbanks was serious enough about being fed up with Bradley’s teenage ways that she took to Facebook a few weeks ago to see if another family might feel he’s a better fit. (Or even just to see if she had some company in her frustration over having a teenager living under her roof).
Her post begins:
“Teenager, 14 years old — but thinks he’s 32, could pass for 4 though …
Free to a good loving home, after all we only want the best, don’t we.”
Brookbanks’ post then goes on to explain what one could expect when welcoming her son into their home:
“My moody adolescent comes complete with a Nike cap that he keeps on ‘forgetting’ to remove when he’s in the house, a tin of Famous Henry’s hair gel, a crap phone with a cracked front screen, three pairs of identical black skinny jeans (each with their own gaping hole), a green jacket that smells of cheese & trainers that have seen better days — he also has a vintage pull string (like Woody from Toy Story) on the back that moans, huffs & puffs & complains about anything from having to shower, having to clean his room, having to put the bins out & not being allowed to stay up late — because he’s such a sloth like mard arse every morning.”
Sounds like a peach, doesn’t he? There’s more:
“He is sold with only 1 complete outfit because he just doesn’t agree with wearing anything else other than the torn & ripped skinny jeans & a green battered top from H&M (and the cap) — but he does come with gel for ever changing hairstyles & 2 alternating skate boards for ‘Happy play days at multistory’ & ‘Moody play days at The Carrs’ — teenager will find it difficult to express which skateboard he his preferring at any given time — and this will be your problem.”
Her teen also comes with a variety of other colorful behaviors you can look forward to.
“Qualities include door slamming, wearing battered looking trainers in the house, spending more time on his hair than his showers, mood swings, [and] not having the energy to hoover his room but having the energy to skateboard.”
For anyone interested, she adds that only “serious inquiries” will be considered, so “no time-wasters, please.”
Brookbanks has gotten a large response to her “classified ad,” including one note from her mother-in-law, who commented, “That’s hormones for you. Looks like he’s taking after his dad, so only another two years and you may be able to have a civilized conversation with him, but don’t hold your breath.”
Plenty of other users were quick to chime in, too.
“Same in my house, same age but different sex and double the hormones!” wrote another user. “Plus a ton of makeup just to walk the dog.”
Brookbanks tells Babble that her son Bradley is fully aware of his mom’s public query, and has also been surprisingly willing to make some changes as a result.
“Bradley has actually taken this in his stride,” she tells Babble. “He even Hoovered his room of his own accord yesterday.” (Woah!)
I believe it was Shakespeare who once said, “The miserable have no other medicine than hope,” which might just mean that Brookbanks might just stand a chance of showing her teen the error of his ways after all.