Nov 30, 2016

I’m a Stay-at-Home Dad, but Please Don’t Praise Me for My “Sacrifice”

“I’m a Stay-at-Home Dad, but Please Don’t Praise Me for My ‘Sacrifice'” originally appeared on Quora and The Fatherly Forum, and was reprinted with permission.

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Recently, a question was posed: What is life like for a stay-at-home mom? What sacrifices did you and your husband make for your family?

My life as a stay-at-home dad had both upsides and downsides.

I liked the opportunity to spend a whole lot of time with my son. And I liked the freedom you get from planning your own days from start to end with no need to accommodate a job with fixed hours. I disliked that I was more socially isolated (this aspect was probably worse for me as a man because there are very few stay-at-home dads, compared to the number of stay-at-home moms).

I don’t think of it as having made “sacrifices” for your family though. And I don’t think it’s a good thing to think of it that way and consider yourself some kind of a martyr sacrificed on the altar of Family.

A family should be a cooperative unit. The goal should be to have everyone’s needs and wants covered to as large a degree as practically possible. No single family member should feel as if they are sacrificing themselves for the good of the rest of the family.

Besides, being a stay-at-home parent isn’t necessarily more of a “sacrifice” than spending 2,000 hours every year in a (possibly boring, exhausting, stressful, or uncomfortable) job is.

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The phrasing of this as a “sacrifice” also makes it sound as if the alternative is to sacrifice your family in order to have a new car every year, and that’s not a fair representation of the life of dual-income families.

These days both me and my wife work. And you know what? I drive a 15-year-old Toyota that has circled the globe six times by now. I could afford a much fancier car, but it’s never been a priority for us.

Instead, our dual incomes makes it possible for us to live in a comfortable house where each kid has their own room. It’s made it possible for us to take vacations together as a family every year. It’s made it possible for us to save up some money so that we’re safer if one of us becomes unemployed or unable to work. It’s made it possible for us to allow our kids to participate in activities and sports that cost money.

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I don’t think that can reasonably be described as having sacrificed our family for our careers.

Also notice that this question asks about stay-at-home moms, not stay-at-home parents, because of course the mother is the one who should make this “sacrifice,” right? That assumption is sexist. And it’s harmful for equality and fairness in a society. And we happen to care about that. We’ve got two daughters and a son. And we care about an equal and fair world for their sake, too. (Although not only for their sake.)

More from Fatherly:

  • The biological reason dads treat their kids differently than moms
  • My advice to anyone freaking out about their kid drinking soda
  • 4 ways to treat night terrors in kids, from a top pediatric sleep doctor

13-Year-Old Gets $25K for His Bar Mitzvah, Uses It to Buy Shoes for 800 Kids

Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation
Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation

When Drew Frank held his bar mitzvah to celebrate his 13th birthday, he was as excited for his gifts as any other kid. But instead of keeping the $25,000 he received (yes, you read that correctly), he donated all of it to charity.

The money went to the Braden Aboud Foundation of El Paso, Texas, and the organization went on to buy 800 pairs of Nike sneakers and about 400 pairs of socks. About 400 of those shoes were distributed to students at Beall Elementary School. The rest of the shoes will be brought to a local orphanage and a YWCA transitional home for women and children.

Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation
Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation

The foundation issued this statement to Babble:

“The Braden Aboud Foundation and the B STRONG Shoe Giveaway is a yearly event and has placed over 6,000 pairs of Nike tennis shoes on kids in disadvantaged schools throughout El Paso. This is our 11th school and this giveaway was in partnership with Drew Frank who gave the generous donation of his bar mitzvah gifts to the foundation. The foundation organized, orchestrated, and volunteered this event.”

Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation
Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation

The foundation has been distributing shoes every year since 2008, and while they usually raise the money through sponsored events and business donations, this year was unique. It’s the first time the shoe giveaway has been completely funded by a single donor.

Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation
Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation

“I’m giving sneakers to these kids who may otherwise not have new sneakers,” Drew told USA Today. “They just get shoes that have been passed down from generation to generation. I just wanted to give back to these kids who are less fortunate than me.”

The event was a huge success, with over 400 children taking home a brand new pair of sneakers. The countless posters hung up from each class show how grateful the students were for Drew’s donation.

Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation
Image Source: The Braden Aboud Foundation

Many kids might take a simple pair of shoes for granted … but Drew made a huge difference in the lives of these students. And we couldn’t be more impressed with his generous act of kindness.

h/t: USA Today

How I Used Elf on the Shelf to Teach My Son an Even Bigger Lesson Than Just Being Good

Image Source: Christine Coppa
Image Source: Christine Coppa

Jack is 9 and a pretty good kid — and his goodness kicked in extra hard knowing Elf on the Shelf Giacomo was back to watching his every move and listening to everything he said, in preparation for Santa’s arrival. The first day was great. That evening when Jack went to bed, he wondered what the Elf would tell Santa and where he’d hide the next day. I swear my kid had glitter in his eyes and smelled like candy canes and fresh pine — that’s how excited he was!

The next morning, Jack found Giacomo in his raincoat, in the freezer, eating an ice pop.

Image Source: Christine Coppa
Image Source: Christine Coppa

Jack laughed and asked me to move G back to the shelf. Jack refuses to touch G because he knows he’ll lose his magic. Other highlights included G pooping some gum drops and free flying through the apartment attached to some balloons. All was right in the Elf World.

Until it wasn’t.

Kids get moody, right? Well mine is no exception. Jack was having an off day on Saturday and everything was going awry. He lost a crucial LEGO brick and decided he couldn’t finish the $100+ LEGO set his uncle got him.

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He made his bed by balling up his blankets in one big tangled mess.

He got in a fight with our sweet dog, Lucy, and called her the S-word — as in stupid — because she was chasing her tail like a puppy does.

He even got mad at a Winter Wonderland event I took him to, because after the admission fee and hot dog, fries, and hot chocolate I bought him — I didn’t spend another five bucks on ice cream. I mean he JUST had hot chocolate.

When we got home, I took his iPad away and suggested he nap or read or PRAY. He slammed the door. And that’s when G took off well before Jack was fast asleep. When Jack emerged from his room for pizza and milk (a quickie dinner), he was shocked to see G was already gone. I played it cool and pretended I didn’t notice. When he wondered why G left early, I suggested maybe he wanted to beat the rain or, well, report back to Santa on Jack’s behavior. My kid’s face flushed with red and he was truly worried (he really, really believes in this Elf).

Image Source: Christine Coppa
Image Source: Christine Coppa

After dinner, Jack wrote a sorry note to G and as I was reading it, I asked, “Why aren’t you apologizing to ME?” Then it clicked!

“Do you think G told Santa I was mean to you — and the dog?”

I shrugged.

Jack showered and went to bed early that night. Before he fell asleep I asked him what was bothering him so much that day. He didn’t know what to say.

“The missing LEGO brick! The long line at the Winter Wonderland! I dunnoooooo.”

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I told him he was lucky to have LEGO bricks and handed over the missing piece I found. I told him some kids can’t afford to go on fun day trips. I told him I took him, not because I wanted to go — I would have been fine decorating the apartment and reading — but because I thought he’d enjoy it. He gave me a big warm hug and apologized over and over again. I told him to wake up on the right side of the bed the next day.

But I had more in store. Jack didn’t learn his lesson yet!

When Jack was sound asleep, I plucked G from the dryer and grabbed my makeup bag. I smeared his face with black and silver eye shadow from my Chanel smokey eye kit. I hid G’s little hat. Next, I wrote a note:

“Jack, had to take off early to visit Santa and tell him you were misbehaving. Sorry dude, you know the rules. Ya gotta be nicer to your mom. She’s the only parent ya got, kid, and she really loves you! Bad news: Santa gave you a strike, but you’re not on The Naughty List … yet. However, he did send me to the workshop to help with coal production. I really hope you shape up and Santa doesn’t have to deliver coal here on Christmas Eve. Because there are tons of coal to go around. Trust me. I’m pooped and need to catch some Zzzzzz’s. BEHAVE, JACK!”  — Elf on the Shelf Giacomo

I tucked G under the blanket on the couch and propped his little head up on the pillow. After all, the poor Elf worked all day in the sweltering coal mine!

Image Source: Christine Coppa
Image Source: Christine Coppa

Jack was shocked to find G all dirty, resting — and then … the note. He promised to be a good — no great — boy from here on out and begged me to clean G off.

He wondered where his hat was and I said it, er, might have burned up in the coal mine.

“What? Oh no!” Jack said.

So Jack made him a new one out of red construction paper.

But the next day, G was back with his hat eating some toast with butter smeared all over his face.

And Jack learned a bigger lesson than being good. He learned that if something is irking him he needs to tell me, because I can help him problem solve, remember to breathe, or just shake it off.

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As a Woman, I Don’t Have the Luxury of Leaving the House Without My Guard Up

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

I started jogging by myself when I was probably 14 years old. Living in Arizona, that often meant waiting until after the sun had gone down before heading out for my run. We lived in a nice neighborhood, and my own father (a police officer) felt fairly comfortable with me running a loop we had both agreed upon. But he still bought me mace to carry as I ran — just in case.

At the time, he worked in the Homicide Unit. I grew up hearing stories of unsolved murders over dinner, but it was always the stories of women attacked while out and about, just living their lives, that struck me the most.

I was forever aware of just how vulnerable I was, simply because I was a woman.

At the same time, I was also headstrong and adamant that I wouldn’t live my life in fear. So I learned to protect myself, as best I could. I took self-defense classes. I studied all the tips. And I continued to carry that mace with me any time I was alone.

Then, my daughter was born. And the mace went up on a high shelf. Not because I was no longer scared, but because protecting her from herself (and her tendency to get into things she shouldn’t) suddenly seemed to be the priority. And life continued on.

I live in Alaska, where I still love to spend time on our trails, exploring the wilderness around me — either on my own, or with my daughter by my side. The truth is, over the years, bears have become a greater concern of mine than any man who might want to hurt me. But even that doesn’t keep me indoors — I’m simply used to remaining aware of my surroundings.

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Which means it was just a normal day when I threw on my running shoes a few weeks ago and headed out to a quiet trail I love after dropping my daughter off at daycare. The sky was overcast and there was a chill in the air, so I knew I wouldn’t see many faces on this random weekday morning. But sometimes, that’s part of the appeal — being outside and alone in all the beauty that surrounds me.

I had travelled about 2 miles when I rounded a bend and noticed a man walking the same trail, heading my way about a quarter of a mile down the path. He was largish, with long hair and ear buds in, walking with his eyes cast down to the ground before him.

I slowed my pace to a walk so that I could better assess the situation, just as I would upon spotting any potential threat — be it man or moose. As we drew closer together, I gripped my keys tightly in my hand (just as I had been taught to do long ago — so that they could be used for stabbing if necessary) and I tried to watch him without really watching him, just in case he were to shift course suddenly and lunge at me.

Of course, he never did.

He never even looked up to acknowledge me or catch my eye. He just kept walking, probably as aware of my vulnerability as I was. And as I passed him, peeking over my shoulder once or twice to make sure he hadn’t turned to jump me from behind, I just felt silly. And also sad to live in a world where women have to be so hyper-vigilant.

Because of course we do. I know this to be true, even though I personally have never been harmed. I know that if this man had wanted to hurt me on that quiet trail, there’s not much I could have done to stop him. I would have screamed and fought, but in the end, his size would have made it fairly easy for him to get whatever he wanted.

My unwillingness to stay home in reaction to my own feminine vulnerability makes me a potential target. And I know that. Even as I hate to think about it.

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But it makes me angry. And on so many levels, it makes me sad. Because for all I know, this man I viewed as a potential threat was anything but. Just as plenty of men before him I’ve found myself eyeing warily while out and about on my own, because  you never know. You never know who might try to hurt you.

I have to believe this is a truth all women instinctually live by. Haven’t we all been there, suddenly nervous in a situation where we find ourselves alone with a man we don’t know? Gripped by a sense of fear we aren’t even totally sure is justified, but still drives us to seek out exits and mentally plot plans of defense all the same?

Just in case.

There was another incident, not too long ago, where I walked out to get my mail as dusk was settling over the sky. While standing at my mailbox, I heard a male voice behind me.

“Hey, hey you.”

I turned only slightly, just enough to see that whoever it was, was in a nearby car. My pulse sped up. I quickly gathered my mail and kept my head down as I walked back to my home as fast as possible. I heard him call out to me once more, but I didn’t turn. Not until I was safely inside, at least. Then, I peaked out a window and saw he was still there — hovered over a map, and presumably trying to figure out how to get wherever he was going.

I instantly felt guilty for presuming the worst. Not guilty enough to go back and help him, mind you (I’m terrible with directions anyway, and it still could have been a trick) but guilty that this fear, which has been so instilled in me, would have me assuming every man is a predator until proven otherwise.

I hate that. I hate it for all the women who have been hurt, and therefore serve as cautionary tales. I hate it for the men, the good men who would never hurt anyone, who are often regarded as a threat through no fault of their own. And I hate it for my daughter, who I would so much rather be teaching lessons of trust instead of fear.

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But I can’t. Because in this world we live in, women have to be vigilant. They have to be afraid. Because if they aren’t, if they let their guard down for even a second, they stand a greater chance of being victimized.

Yes, all women.

Which leaves me with no choice beyond teaching my daughter fear. Even as I simultaneously feel guilty for regarding a man as threat who was probably anything but, simply because he was a man, and a stranger, and I was alone on a trail I love.

This Game-Changing New Magazine Is Written Entirely by Preteen Girls

Image Source: Bright Lite/Instagram
Image Source: Bright Lite/Instagram

Earlier this year, Girls’ Life magazine caught a ton of heat over what many called its “sexist” September issue, which included cover stories on how to get your “dream hair” and how to “wake up pretty.” Meanwhile, the September issue for Boys’ Life centered around the theme of exploring your future and learning how to be whatever it is you want to be. (You know; inspirational, the-world-is-your-oyster type stuff.)

The stark contrast between the two magazines quickly made its way around the Internet, reigniting the conversation around the messages teen magazines send our girls. Messages that many argue are often sexist, materialistic, and way outdated.

But there’s at least one mag out there that might just be changing things.

Meet Bright Lite — the independent quarterly magazine made by and for preteen girls. Search its pages, and you won’t be able to find a single “how to find the best lip gloss” article in there, no matter how hard you try. While it’s only on its third issue, each one centers around a new theme that’s a far cry from the boys- and makeup-obsessed teen mags we typically see on newsstands.

Bright Lite is the brainchild of photographer Christa Renee and writer/illustrator Ami Komai, two moms of young daughters who saw a need in the market for something a little more … well, 2016.

“After my daughter, Wes was battling low self-esteem, I realized that there wasn’t a community out there for girls her age,” Renee tells Babble. “I really wanted to fill that void. I wanted to give Wes the validation that she wasn’t weird or different from other girls. I think 10 is such a special age, and I want to support her journey.”

Supporting her daughter’s journey led Renee to join the publishing world — something she had no previous experience in, but decided to give a go anyway. And so far? It’s been both challenging and rewarding:

“We knew what we wanted to see and nobody else was going to do it for us,” she says. “There’s definitely been a learning curve and lots of trial and error but we’re doing it together, with all the girls, for all the girls. It’s definitely not been easy and some days, I think we are insane — trying to do this with just the two of us. But when I see the girls and their faces when their work is published, it makes everything worth it.”

The “girls” Renee refers to make up the all-female editorial board behind Bright Lite, which relies mainly on submissions from readers and girls within Renee and Komai’s community — which they’re hoping will eventually grow into something even bigger.

Image Source: Bright Lite/Instagram
Image Source: Bright Lite/Instagram

“My hope is to make this bigger than a magazine, but a community,” says Renee. “Not just for my daughter, but for all girls everywhere. These girls have so much to say, we want to support them and make sure they know they’re amazing and their work is important.”

So far, the issues have been themed around animals, museums, and most recently, outer space. Each one is filled with poetry, stories, art, interviews, and other creative content that the girls on its editorial board curate. It’s also submission-based, meaning that girls 18 and under can submit content either online or by mail for the chance to see their work included.

Image Source: Bright Lite/Instagram
Image Source: Bright Lite/Instagram

“We want it to not only feel like a conversation between two friends, but to look like what an inside of a preteen girl’s head might look like,” explains Komai.

Because to Komai and Renee, those preteen years are some of the most pivotal — and that’s precisely why we should be using them to empower girls every which way we can.

“All the opinions I formed about myself, good and bad, I formed as a preteen girl,” says Komai. “I remember growing up and thinking there was no role models who looked like me, or anything representing my experience. This made me feel like I was in this bubble; feeling like nothing I did mattered. I want to change that, not only for my daughter, but for all girls. I want to try to represent all girls in a way that’s genuine, inclusive, and meaningful … No two girls are exactly alike, nor should they be. They’re all perfect just as they are.”

“We’re creating a world in which girls don’t have to fight for their voice to be heard, and no one questions whether they’re equal or not,” adds Renee.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the best damn reason to launch a magazine that I’ve ever heard.

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Nov 29, 2016

This All-Female Biker Crew Delivers Breast Milk to Babies in Need

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Earlier this year, Julie Bouchet-Horwitz, a nurse practitioner and lactation consultant, opened New York State’s very first milk bank with one plain and simple mission: to collect as many donations of breast milk possible, pasteurize the milk, and then donate it to babies in need — especially preemies and sick babies.

According to Bouchet-Horwitz, operations at New York Milk Bank have been going great since it opened this summer. At least, in terms of donation and handling. Until recently, there was just one little problem: Delivery.

Bouchet-Horowitz tells Babble that the milk bank’s main issue was finding a quick way to deliver donated milk to babies in Manhattan. (Because as anyone who has ever been within a few miles of Manhattan will tell you, there is absolutely no quick and easy way to get in and out of there!)

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That’s when Bouchet-Horowitz had a brilliant idea: “It occurred to me, while stuck in a traffic one day, that motorcyclists ‘bob and weave’ their way through a traffic jam,” she tells Babble. “So I did a ‘Google search’ for a female motorcycle club, thinking that women would be more receptive to the idea of delivering milk to babies in need.”

Bingo! Her hunch was right. It wasn’t long before Bouchet-Horotwitz contacted Jen Baquia, president of The Sirens Women’s Motorcycle Club (a.k.a. New York City’s oldest and largest all-female motorcycle club). The Sirens were totally receptive to the idea, and wanted nothing more than to help the milk bank and the moms and babies they serve.

“We dubbed them the Milk Riders and they have enthusiastically embraced us,” says Bouchet-Horowitz, “They held a fundraiser themselves and raised $2,500 for us. They are volunteers and we pay their travel expenses.”

Image Source: Justin Wayne Chauncey via The New York Milk Bank

Ummmm, can we give these amazing ladies a standing ovation? Not only do they bust their butts hand-delivering liquid gold to babies in need, but they do it for free! They are seriously the definition of badass.

News of the Milk Riders’ amazing efforts started to sweep the Internet last week, after The New York Post released a video about The New York Milk Bank and its kick-ass band of guardian angels on November 22. Unsurprisingly, the video is going crazy viral on Facebook, with over 5K likes and 13K shares so far.

I mean, who wouldn’t grin ear-to-ear watching a bunch of leather-clad, tattooed, tough-as-nails ladies strap hundreds of ounces of pumped breast milk to their bikes — and then speed through traffic to deliver life-saving milk to NYC’s most at-risk babies?

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“The Sirens represents strong women, period,” one of its members says in the Post’s video.

“Little girls, when they see us on the road, they light up. Like ‘wow, we can ride motorcycles like that,” says another Siren.

And while their unabashed feminism and all-round message of “girl power” is pretty inspiring, it’s their absolute selflessness that’s ultimately the most impressive — because what they are doing is a real service. For babies receiving the donated milk, breast milk isn’t just a perk; it can be a matter of life or death for many of them.

By now, the research is clear: Breast milk is chock full of natural antibodies and antiviral agents, which are especially important for premature or sick babies. It’s also known to protect their fragile bodies from deadly infections like necrotizing enterocolitis, and late-onset sepsis. Not all mothers are able to produce a full supply for their premature or hospitalized babies, so milk donation is particularly vital in these cases.

Image Source: Justin Wayne Chauncey via The New York Milk Bank
Image Source: Justin Wayne Chauncey via The New York Milk Bank

Getting breast milk into the babies who need it most is truly a group effort. It starts with the incredible mothers who donate their milk, the milk banks who pasteurize and store it, and heroes like the Sirens, who tirelessly and speedily deliver it, protecting that many more babies each day.

Of course, all of this orchestration requires a ton of work and resources on the part of the milk banks. Bouchet-Horwitz shares that The New York Milk Bank is looking to expand their facility and hopes that the coverage of their awesome relationship with the Sirens attracts more financial donors to their cause.

If you’d like donate to The New York Milk Bank, please visit MoneyOrMilk.org.

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Why This Mom’s Post About Forgetting to Pack Chopped Celery Is Something Every Parent Should Read

The award for the most relatable Facebook post I’ve seen all year may just have to go to Kara Lewis Newton. On November 21, the mom of three from Fishers, Indiana posted a perfectly imperfect confessional on her page, beginning with just two words: chopped celery.

What followed was the most brutally honest commentary on modern parenting … ever:

“Chopped celery. That’s what I’m driving to my son’s school today,” Lewis Nelson’s post began. “Why? Because I don’t look in his folder. I missed that he needed to bring chopped celery to school today, and I have no idea why he needs it, but he does. So I’m driving it to him praying that he gets it on time.”

But this wasn’t Lewis Newton’s first slip-up, and it probably won’t be her last. After all, the 35-year-old mom of three is human. And humans “miss things;” moms all over the world “miss things.” It’s par for the course, and yet that doesn’t stop us all from beating ourselves up over it.

“My kids don’t always have clean socks. We ate at Wendy’s last night. I forget to RSVP to parties. [And] we never have cash when we need it. (But who does?)”

She’s right: Who does?

It’s impossible to read Lewis Newton’s post and not instantly feel like she’s literally reaching into your head and pulling out your own thoughts. Feeling like you’re constantly dropping balls — no matter how hard you try — can be one of the most frustrating parts of this whole parenting thing. And what’s almost impossible to remember, is that all of us are simultaneously dropping balls.  None of us are getting it completely right. We’re just too caught up in our own chaos to see each other’s missteps.

She continues:

“My kid doesn’t always have his coat. There might be Halloween candy in their lunches. I sign without reading sometimes. And I don’t always check my kids folders. The good news is that Lewis Newton didn’t beat herself up too much, at least so it seems. Because what matters isn’t clean socks or a container of chopped celery, what matters is that Silas, Lila, and Jack are loved. Happy, healthy, and loved.”

“I love them. And I work dang hard for them. And I’m banking on the fact that 20 years from now, they won’t remember that their mom forgot the chopped celery. I am praying they remember how hard I fought for them everyday to have a good life … one where they know they are fiercely loved no matter what.”

Unsurprisingly, Lewis Newton’s post has quickly gone viral. In the last week alone, it’s garnered over 55,000 likes and been shared more than 26,000 times. It even got some play on Love What Matters, a Facebook page devoted to sharing positive news stories.

It’s also inspired strangers from all over the Internet to give her a virtual high-five for her honesty:

“Yes to all of this! Love that you are real Kara!” wrote one Facebook user.

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Others commiserated:

“Every mother has had those moments and has agonized with guilt over it,” wrote another. “Now that my kids are grown they assure me they don’t remember anything and they had the best Mother. We all live through it and I’m the only one it warped.”

And many others shared personal childhood memories of their own moms:

“I can’t remember the days my mom forgot one thing or another,” another user chimed in. “I remember the special dinner dates just me [and] her, the sick days she made special (even though, looking back, she had all of the typical errands), and her working to provide for us through thick and thin.”

Speaking with Babble, Lewis Newton admits she’s been “totally shocked” by the response to her post. “I have always been very real on my Facebook wall,” she says. “My friends that know me joked [about it going viral] because they said this post was no different than any of my other posts.”

But in the end, the best part about going viral so far has been the amazing outpouring of supportive comments and thank you’s from other moms all over the world. “I was taken aback by all the women who expressed their thanks for helping them not feel so ‘alone,’ says Lewis Newton. “It makes me sad that we aren’t more honest with one another and able to lock arms with other moms and do this thing called ‘motherhood’ thing together.”

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In an age where mom guilt and “bad parent”-shaming runs rampant, it’s no wonder why her post struck a cord. This is precisely the message every mom should be reading and sharing and reminding themselves of every day — if for no other reason than to cut themselves some much-needed slack.

Despite our best efforts, we all “miss things.”

We all feel like we’re desperately falling short, no matter how hard we try.

We’re all perfectly imperfect, just doing the best we can for our kids.

And we’re all in this together.

Nov 28, 2016

Parents Outraged After Being Charged to Watch Their Children in School’s Christmas Play

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Getting charged admission to a school play has some U.K. __parents hot under the collar this Christmas season. St. Joseph’s Catholic Primary School in Worcester, England, announced they would be charging £1 ($1.06) per ticket for the annual nativity play for the three performances by students in Key Stage 1, reception, and nursery (that’s ages 3 to 7, according to my British husband).

Instead of __parents shouting at the teacher over their precious offspring relegated to the manger goat again this year, they are now screaming obscenities over being charged an entrance fee. But it’s not the fee that’s especially troubling to folks. Apparently, it is because the money is being raised, in part, to help purchase bilingual books and story sacks for children with English as a second language. These students make up 43 percent of the student body of St. Joseph’s, who speak languages from Greek and Filipino to Punjabi and Malay.

Headmistress Louise Bury was forced to write a letter home to parents when some St. Joseph’s staff began being “verbally abused” by outraged parents when they learned of the nominal fee:

Dear Parents/Carers,

This is such an exciting time of year and all of our staff are continuing to work hard to ensure that your children enjoy an enriched learning curriculum. The Christmas performances at early years and key stage one provide a rich opportunity for the children to live out the Christmas story and are always so special.

For the first time this year we have decided to charge for the tickets. It is evident from the feedback received that there are mixed feelings about this. We pride ourselves on listening to you and I just wanted this opportunity to explain the reasons. I know that for some of you, paying to see your child perform doesn’t feel right. With ever tightening budgets and growing numbers, we saw this as
an opportunity to be able to invest in some valuable reading and learning resources for Key Stage 1 and Early Years. These resources will help to improve the home school learning for reading and therefore improve the reading progress and attainment of the children. We have plans to develop parent groups that will enable you to grow in your awareness of how reading is taught; this will
especially help those of you who don’t have English as your first language.

I fully support all of my staff and am looking forward to the performances. However I have been extremely concerned about the conduct of some parents towards my staff which in some cases I can only describe as verbal abuse. This is unnecessary and leaves open the question: do we need a parent code of conduct to protect the teaching staff who work so passionately for your children?

Your children, are the reason behind everything we do here. Both myself and my staff know the value of working together with parents and we work hard to continue to build on this. Therefore, I can only express my extreme hurt and deep disappointment when yesterday I received a telephone call from the Worcester News. One parent who wishes to remain anonymous, has telephoned the newspaper to complain about the ticketing system and the paper are running a story. I spoke to the journalist honestly and openly about the reasons for this, the fund raising opportunity and the health and safety reasons behind the tickets including fire safety. I await the story going live!

Everything I have said in this letter emphasises the importance of partnership work both within school and with yourselves. I always make myself available for any parent if they have an issue with anything and my office staff will always liaise with me to organise an appointment if I am otherwise engaged at that time. I am sorry that this has happened and will welcome your thoughts and reactions to the story.

Yours in faith,
Mrs. Louise Bury
Headteacher

In part, Mrs. Bury stated, “We are a very poorly-funded authority,” and explained that the school saw the plays as “a wonderful opportunity to raise some money. … We are becoming a bigger school and there are cost implications on that.” In addition, the money would be used to “invest in some valuable reading and learning resources” for the school.

Mrs. Bury addressed the verbal attacks with the excruciating politeness only a Brit can when she said: “It is evident from the feedback received that there are mixed feelings about this. I know that for some of you, paying to see your child perform doesn’t feel right. … I have been extremely concerned about the conduct of some parents towards my staff.”

It reminds me of the scene in Monty Python’s Holy Grail when the Knight has both arms chopped off and says, “‘Tis but a flesh wound.”

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Look, regardless of whether you feel your money should be going to helping non-English speaking children receive books that may help them learn English faster or easier, our children are watching our behavior. This is when they are learning how to treat others. We are role models and they will, in part, learn how to conduct themselves as adults based on our actions. Slinging insults at teachers who are trying to help students learn may not be the best way to handle the situation.

Schools are constantly trying to do more with less. It is their responsibility to support all students to help them receive the best education possible. When schools do this, our society has more productive members, and we all benefit.

My Adopted Daughter Wants to Meet Her Birth Mom, and I’m Freaking Out a Little

Image Source: Mike Berry
Image Source: Mike Berry

I remember the day we brought our daughter home from the hospital. It was just a few months shy of 15 years ago. It was a surreal day. A mixture of joy, terror, excitement, and apprehension stirred in me like a hurricane over the Atlantic. We had chosen the road of adoption and she was our firstborn daughter. The day before we were two people in their early 20s, married only a few years, and living the good life just outside of Indianapolis, Indiana. We stayed out as late as we wanted, slept in for as long as we wanted, even picked up and jumped on a plane to another city whenever we wanted.

But this day? This day our entire world would be turned upside down. We would never be the same again, and for good reason. The moment our daughter was born she was brought from her birth mother’s delivery room and placed in our arms. My wife held her for the first time. She was the first person to change her diaper. I was the first person to feed her. Our emotions ran high that day over our brand new baby girl. They still do today, almost 15 years later. We love her deeper than we could ever imagine loving another human being.

And that’s probably the very reason I’m so uneasy over her wanting to meet her birth mom all these years later.

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To My Daughter’s Birth Mother: Our Door Is Always Open

Let me be clear — my uneasiness, sometimes terror, and freak out has nothing to do with her birth mom. From everything we know of her, she’s a polite, responsible, and caring person. She’s never been anything but respectful of us and our family. Heck, she chose us to adopt her daughter. Over the years we’ve known very little about her, even where she resided. When our daughter was born, she chose to have a closed adoption with us because she respected our family and she knew she had to go on living life. It was easier this way.

We’ve never been afraid of her, or worried she would do something that would put our daughter, or us, in danger — ever. I feel it necessary to say this because oftentimes, birth __parents get a bad rap. Sure, there are plenty of situations where birth family members may be unsafe (trust me, I know a few), but normally (yes, normally) this is not the case.

I’m not freaking out over my daughter wanting to meet her birth mom because of her birth mom. I’m freaking out because of me. Yes, me! This is my own insecurity speaking. My own worry. My own fear.

You see, I’ve been the one on the front lines of raising my daughter for more than a decade now. It’s been more blood, sweat, and tears than I can keep track of. She calls me daddy. Even at 15 years old, she’ll still get up out of her seat in our living room or the movie theater and come and sit next to me, burying her head in my shoulder if there’s a scary or uneasy scene on the screen. When we’re in public, she holds my hand — willingly. On her phone, she has my name saved with hearts around it. She’s my little girl, my princess. Even though she can almost look me in the eye, she’s so tall, I still see the baby girl learning to walk — the timid toddler who would cautiously step off a sidewalk when she’d walk with us out of a store or restaurant.

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Not that meeting her birth mom would erase the past 15 years of this. It wouldn’t. Again, her birth mom would never harm her or our family. It’s just that, when you’ve invested so much over so long, your heart is on the line. That’s one of the most beautiful and tragic realities of adoption. You’re your children’s __parents — plain and simple. But they have another set of parents, too. They have birth parents. And whether or not they are safe, unsafe, cordial, involved, unreachable, unavailable, or nonexistent, that doesn’t change your own insecurity. It’s not just something adoptive parents go through. Traditional parents worry their child will leave and find something better, too. They shed tears over their investment, too.

I guess you could call it the great curse of parenthood. While I know I have nothing to worry about, I still worry. I still fear. I still feel uneasy, insecure.

I don’t know when it will be — maybe soon, maybe not — but my daughter will meet her birth mom. There will be tears exchanged. There will be laughter and that awkward silence when neither party knows what to say. And I will be freaking out a little. I will be afraid. But I will also be celebratory as I watch my little girl embrace the woman who gave her life. Who gave her to us.

My hope is that that very moment washes all of my fear away.

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Dogs Put Christmas Spirit into Their Mannequin Challenge

“Dogs Put Christmas Spirit into Their Mannequin Challenge” originally appeared on ABC Owned Television Stations and was reprinted with permission.

These dogs just made the mannequin challenge a whole lot more festive.

Lava, a red merle border collie who’s gotten attention for her cool tricks before, did the challenge with a Christmas twist. Lava and her canine friends Lexi and Lizzy stayed impressively still while posed to look like they were in the middle of getting ready for Christmas.

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Dog owners have discovered that man’s best friend is surprisingly good at the craze since it began dominating social media a few weeks ago. In particular one boxer named Boston went viral for his incredible knack for staying still in just about any position.

My dog has the best #mannequinchallange pic.twitter.com/qaUvj5JOXN

— Ryan T (@Ryan_Thomas02) November 16, 2016

Meanwhile, humans continue to have fun with the challenge, with Taylor Swift and Amy Schumer each posting their own attempts on Thursday.

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U.S. Secretary of Education Calls for Ban on Paddling in Schools (Because Yes, It’s Still a Thing)

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Last Tuesday, John B. King Jr., the United States Secretary of Education, sent out a strongly-worded, yet heartfelt open letter urging a state officials to end corporal punishment in schools. His letter was directed specifically at the governors and school officials of the 22 states where it is still legal for school staff to use corporal punishment (i.e., paddling, spanking, flogging, etc.) to discipline children.

Yep, you read that right. It is 2016, and yet 22 out of 50 states in America still allow the use of physical force in the classroom.

It’s OK, I’ll wait for you to pick your jaw up from the bottom of the floor.

All good? Great; now let’s continue.

There is some consolation: According to The Washington Post, a study earlier this year found that only a minority of these 22 states actually still practice corporal punishment. In fact, the Post reports that seven Southern states account for nearly 80 percent of in-school corporal punishment in the U.S.: Mississippi, Texas, Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Tennessee and Oklahoma.

But honestly, even that news doesn’t make me feel any better about it.

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I personally do not use physical punishment to discipline my kids, period. But even if I were OK with the occasional spank here and there, there is no way in hell I would allow a virtual stranger to do it.

And while it’s true that the majority of American __parents don’t agree with me, and believe that spanking at home is an acceptable means of discipline, a recent ABC News poll found that 72% of __parents don’t believe it should happen at school.

Honestly, I can’t believe I even have to type these words in defense of the parental right to ensure that our children are not spanked or paddled when we send them off to school.

And even though I may be in the minority when it comes to spanking in the home, almost all available research on the safety and effectiveness of corporal punishment — whether at home or at school — is on my side.

In his letter to school officials, King highlights some of the research himself:

“The use of corporal punishment is also ineffective as a strategy to address inappropriate behavior,” writes King. “When used in an attempt to compel behavioral change, corporal punishment often has antithetical results; for example, physical punishment may make a child more aggressive, defiant, and oppositional.”

Yep, not only does corporal punishment not work to quell negative behavior in the long-term — it even exacerbates it in many cases. And it has a myriad of crushing effects on our kids, many of which King lists in his letter, including lower cognitive functioning, hindered brain development, overall lowered academic success, as well as anti-social behavior as children reach adulthood.

King also points out that corporal punishment is inflicted more frequently on children of color, citing the statistic that more than one-third of the children who are subject to corporal punishment in school are black students, even though they make up only 16% of the total public school population. He also points out that children who have disabilities are more likely to be the victims of corporal punishment. King calls these glaring disparities a “shock to the conscience.”

Of course, King does not have the power to change the laws in these states; his letter is more of an impassioned appeal to those in power to do something — anything — to put an end to this reprehensible, antiquated practice.

“This practice has no place in the public schools of a modern nation that plays such an essential role in the advancement and protection of civil and human rights,” King states at the end of his letter.

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The idea of this happening with any frequency whatsoever really is hard to stomach; and yet, it is absolutely happening, and on a regular basis too. Earlier this month, a Texas teen alleged that she was paddled for not saying the pledge of allegiance. The school’s response is that she was paddled because she was being disruptive, and not because she declined to stand for the pledge. But either way, SHE WAS PADDLED. At school. In the principal’s office.

We’re talking about a teenage girl, in 2016.

This one story alone is beyond disturbing. But to know there are countless others just like it happening regularly? It honestly makes my blood boil. That level of harm and humiliation has absolutely no place in a public institution in the United States, much less any place we send our children, expecting them to be safe.

Just this past April, the mother of a 5-year-old boy who was paddled at his school in Georgia took to social media to share her own rage over the experience. According to NBC News, Shana Perez alleged that her son was paddled at school without her consent, explaining that she signed a form prohibiting administrators from using corporal punishment on her son (although the school later disputed this claim).

Perez posted graphic videos of her son being paddled on Facebook that soon went viral. After watching it myself, I don’t encourage you to do the same — I couldn’t even make it past the sounds of the little boy crying to watch the entire video. But I will say this: I applaud Perez for making something like this public — and for anyone who is willing to speak about this issue in clear terms, without mincing words.

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At the end of his letter, King hits the nail on the head when he states in no uncertain terms that corporeal punishment has absolutely no place in our schools, and should be abolished immediately.

“It is difficult for a school to be considered safe or supportive if its students are fearful of being physically punished by the adults who are charged with supporting their learning and their future,” writes King.

A million times, YES.

When it comes down it, corporal punishment is a human’s right issue. No child should have to go to school fearing the very people who are supposed to be role models and protectors. And as much as it pains many of us to find out that this sort of thing is still happening — daily — at schools in our nation, we should all know the truth, and urge school administrators and law makers to do everything in their power to outlaw it.

Couple Finds Healing After Friend Turns Their Stillborn Daughter’s Ashes into Beautiful Sculpture

Image Source: Alissa J. Zachary
Image Source: Alissa J. Zachary

Alissa Zachary was a 28-year-old law student at the University of Texas Law School when she unexpectedly became pregnant.

Though she and her husband of two years, Billy, now an acupuncturist, had not planned on having children at the time, the couple quickly warmed up to the idea. “We were shocked for a little while, then scared, then made all the plans and everything went into place and we were excited,” remembers Zachary, now 39.

And then, tragedy struck.

At a routine check-up when Zachary was 7.5 months along, her doctor couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. While Zachary knew that it had been a few days since she had last felt the baby move, she had simply chalked it up to stress.

“You know there is something they don’t want to tell you — the only reason they can’t tell you anything is when something is wrong,” she says. 

Up until that point, Zachary’s pregnancy had been progressing well. But tests later revealed that although the baby was developing normally, there had been a tear in the umbilical cord, along with some hydrocephaly. The grieving __parents were told that their daughter had most likely passed away very quickly and that it could never have been caught because there were no signs that Zachary would have noticed.

The couple received the sad news on a Friday, and on Monday they went back for an induction that they knew would result in a stillbirth.

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The actual birth happened quickly. They named their daughter Penelope, or Penny, for short.

Throughout the process, everyone in the room was hyper-focused on Zachary and her needs, she says, but in the whirlwind of the birth and dealing with the baby and recovering, her husband’s grief and need for closure was pushed to the side. Although Zachary was able to hold and touch her daughter, Billy was not.

“Nobody thought we should make sure he got the chance to touch her, too,” Zachary remembers. “By the time someone thought about it, she had already been taken to the morgue and would have come back cold and he was not able to handle that. He didn’t get to have his grief.”

Because the couple was living on a student budget at the time, already in debt from the high deductible from their insurance that barely covered the hospital birth, they accepted the hospital’s arrangement to cremate their preterm stillborn baby for free. “We could have not afforded the cost for a casket funeral,” Zachary explains. “It was a choice made out of economic necessity.”

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For Zachary, the overwhelming grief did not hit her until later.

“For me, the waves of grief, that welling of grief that just surrounds you, didn’t hit until two weeks after the stillbirth,” she explains. “Two weeks after, I got chest pain and was convinced I was having a heart attack.”

She went to the ER, where they told her she was actually having an anxiety attack brought on by her loss.

“I had been holding it together up until then,” remembers Zachary. “That was the moment I broke and cried and cried. It did not happen until the to-do list, the doctor finding, getting the procedure, having the baby, figuring out what happened, making it home, cleaning the nursery, putting things away — that all got done and then I broke.”

Zachary and her husband’s journeys through grief were long, ragged, and very different. While Zachary struggled in a way she calls “really open and obvious,” her husband struggled silently. They were left with literal pieces of their daughter and no way to put back together their shattered life.

Until one of Billy’s best friends stepped in.

Daniel Gardner, a professor of Ceramics at Southwestern University in Georgetown, Texas, who had been Billy’s suite-mate in college, offered to take their daughter’s ashes and incorporate them into a sculpture for the couple.

Without any direction, Gardner transformed their baby’s ashes into a beautiful sculpture of an egg in a nest that helped Zachary and Billy heal in ways that they didn’t even realize they needed to heal.

nest1
Image Source: Alissa J. Zachary

When Gardener presented the art to his friends, they were all overcome with emotion. But as time passed, the commemorative piece of art brought hope and healing to the grief-stricken couple.

“Penny wasn’t with us for long,” says Zachary. “This baby, her loss in the grand scheme of a lifetime, it all happened in less than a year. But it had weight. It was an event with weight that affected us. The [sculpture] also has weight that I can hold in my hand [and it] is also real, smooth, and rough at the same time. There’s a part of my brain that doesn’t connect to words [but does] connect to the physicality of the egg, of the art.”

For Billy, who never had the chance to touch his daughter during life or death, the sculpture has had special meaning by providing him with a way to do just that. He often puts the sculpture in his lap and meditates with it.

Zachary describes her story as one with a happy ending. She gave birth to a son a few years after her daughter’s death and her now seven-year-old is friends with Gardner’s son. “The boys are very good friends, they have declared each other cousins,” she says. “We see them regularly and the boys hang out just like their dads, so the cycle of friendship continues.”

Image Source: Alissa J. Zachary
Image Source: Alissa J. Zachary

Today, Zachary says her daughter’s sculpture stands in their house, safe and secure on a bookshelf, as a symbol that has been with them through the different stages of grief. The egg in a nest, says Zachary, is very much a metaphor for pregnancy, as well as a symbol of the love that carried them through the birth of their baby and eventually their healing.

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Teachers in Texas Could Be Forced to Out LGBTQ Students to Parents If New Bill Gets Passed

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Raising teens is a rough road — there’s no denying that. __parents are desperate to know their kids’ secrets, sometimes in order to protect them and keep them safe. But some are speculating that Senate Bill 242, filed by Texas Tea Party legislator Konni Burton earlier this month, could potentially do more harm than good in allowing __parents access to private information about their children.

Senator Burton proposed the bill in response to what she considers Fort Worth ISD Superintendent Dr. Kent Scribner’s abuse of authority, as he recently mandated new regulations for students who identify as transgender, and did so without parental consent. According to TribTalk, Senator Burton feels parents should have access to all information regarding their children — not just some — including any special policies put in place for transgender students. As such, she disagrees with Dr. Scribner’s new mandates that could protect private counseling between LGBTQ students and faculty. (Emails to Burton’s office Monday were not immediately returned.)

And here’s where that could present a real problem: The bill itself would entitle parents to all records and information concerning their child’s “general physical, psychological or emotional well-being,” which is worrisome to many, as it could lead to teachers outing LGBTQ students to their parents before they may feel ready. Furthermore, if teachers refuse to comply — and deny a parent’s request for information about their children’s sexual orientation — those teachers could be subject to suspension or termination.

Despite all the progress that’s been made regarding civil rights for the LGBTQ community, discrimination and mistreatment are still widespread, causing many — especially teenagers — to keep their sexual orientation quiet. Many kids struggle to come out to their parents in particular, due to a fear of rejection and/or lack of support at home. This is especially true for teens living in religious and ultra-conservative communities, where forced conversion therapy as a way to “repair” their “broken” children who are gay or transgender is sadly common. In fact, it’s what many have tied to the rising rates of LGBTQ homeless teens, cast out for being unable to “change,” as well as the disturbing fact that the suicide rate is 4-5 times higher for LGBTQ youth than it is for heterosexual teens.

In light of all of this, is it any wonder many teens might wait longer to come out to their parents?

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For many of these kids, school is their safe place when home is not. And even if parents are supportive and loving once they learn the truth, if their child just isn’t ready to tell them yet, it’s their personal right to wait until they feel they are. Such an extremely personal and potentially painful decision needs to be left to that person, not to his teachers and/or parents. The bottom line is this: These kids are often in an unstable mental state, not knowing where to turn for help. If their trust is broken at school, and they don’t have support at home, the results could be catastrophic.

As a parent, I can see the need for information regarding your children. And I absolutely understand the mindset that you are privy to any and all conversations, observations, and evaluations that involve your child. I get Senator Burton’s point. And I say to her, if a parent is prepared to provide a safe space for her child to come home to, then hopefully that child will feel comfortable enough to confide the truth about his or her sexual orientation when they are ready.

https://t.co/ValXkmCmHI #SB242 will only cause harm. #KonniBurton is not interested in protecting anyone with this bill. Think of the kids.

— Amanda (@AdharaGirl) November 28, 2016

As a high school English teacher for many years, I had students who were scared and uncomfortable and not sure how to navigate the process of coming out as LGBTQ. Thankfully, I was never put in the situation these teachers in Texas could be forced into. The few times I did have students come to me with a personal situation, I encouraged them to talk to their parents. I also connected with the school counselor to ensure that even if these kids didn’t feel safe at home, they felt safe at school and had someone to talk to, somewhere to go where they were valued and accepted. It is crucial that legislation like this does not break the chain of trust between students and faculty.

So what can you as a parent do? Simple: Tell your kids, as often as you can, “I love you. I will always love you. No matter what.”

@KonniBurton Senate Bill 242 breaks the trust between teacher and student, and is a clear attack on the privacy of LGBT students.

— Adam Elbahouty (@Postage_Stamp) November 28, 2016

Then your children know they will be welcomed, loved, and supported. No matter what. If they feel this unconditional love, they will tell you when they are ready. If you condemn people who are LGBTQ in your home, your child may not feel safe coming out to you. And he or she may need to seek help elsewhere, such as at school.

As it stands now, Senate Bill 242 has the potential to do irreparable harm to the psyche of LGBTQ youth. It can take away their control over their own lives, and over their own personal identities. While it is of course every parent’s job to keep their kids safe, it’s also a school’s job to do the same.

As Sondra Howe, a co-president of the Dallas chapter of the LGBT rights advocacy group PFLAG, recently said, “If a child has not come out yet at home, there’s a reason for that.”

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Nov 27, 2016

When My 9-Year-Old Came Home Crying That Santa Wasn’t Real

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus … here comes kids at school telling your only child Santa isn’t real.

I knew this was coming. I mean, Jack is 9. I was surprised how into Santa he was last year — diligently writing out his list and slapping a festive stamp on the envelope.

Every morning he’d rush from bed, looking for his Elf on the Shelf, Giacomo, who would be in the freezer with a popsicle or taking a marshmallow bubble bath in the bathroom sink.

My sweet child still has that Christmas sparkle in his eyes. He still wants to watch the old-school Rudolph or Frosty the Snowman movies with me, all snuggled up on the couch with popcorn and hot chocolate. He even put reindeer ears on our golden retriever and a jingle bell around her neck.

As a single mom, with a child, edging into the tween and teen years, I really cherish these little moments. We still make reindeer food: oatmeal, cinnamon, glitter, and shredded carrots.

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Santa’s cookies are home-baked (never store-bought), and Jack likes to give him milk on the rocks (ice cubes) to keep it cold. We both wear Christmas jammies to bed … and Jack still wakes up before the sun to see if Santa came, shouting, “Mommmmmmmy, he came!”

However, a few days ago, Jack came home from school and told me Timmy* said Santa is totally fake. My child searched my face for an answer. His face? Pure innocence, wanting me to tell him that Timmy was full of baloney.

So I did. “He’s full of baloney, Jack.”

And here are other things to say when your little believer comes home confused and sad … and wondering about the validity of Santa Claus …

  1. “Of course he’s real! Do you think I could seriously afford and wrap all the presents you get!?”
  2. “Seeing isn’t believing. Believing is seeing.” (This alone will confuse your child and basically end the conversation.)
  3. “If he wasn’t real then who is eating the cookies and reindeer food? NOT ME. NOT YOU.”
  4. “Did Santa ever send back your Christmas list with a “RETURN TO SENDER” stamp on it? NO.”
  5. “And so I guess the tooth fairy is a sham too, huh? But every time you lose a tooth you get money and a tooth brush!”
  6. “If Santa isn’t real then poor Mrs. Claus is all alone raising a gazillion elves by herself. Santa would never, ever ditch her. She’s too jolly.”
  7. “Dude, every year since I can remember, we’ve tracked Santa at NoradSanta.com. Don’t you remember when he was in Peru and then Hawaii and then making his way to New York City? EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS REAL.”
  8. “That kid needs a Santa intervention. Let’s invite him over for cookies and caroling stat.”
  9. “LIES.”

*Names changed for anonymity.

Nov 26, 2016

How to Navigate the Holidays with Children with Special Needs

thinkstockphotos-87627247-2t

The malls are decorated with garland, bows, and lighted wreaths suspended in mid-air between stores and shops. Display windows have followed suit with decorative frosting in the corners and mannequins dressed in cold-weather attire. Starbucks debuted their red holiday cups, and radio stations are beginning to play Christmas music on loop. There’s no doubt about it — the holidays are here.

For many, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. It’s a time for gathering with family, opening presents, feasting on amazing food, and traveling to see relatives that live in other states. But, for __parents of children with special needs, it can be one of the most stressful times of the year. The excitement, over-stimulation, rich food, change in schedule, and disrupted routine can spell disaster.

I’m in that boat as a parent. For years, we dreaded the holidays, particularly Christmas morning — still do to some degree. The excitement and energy surrounding it almost always resulted in a full-blown meltdown from one or more of my kids with sensory processing needs. Often, it was a snowball effect. One would go, and either trigger the others, or provoke the others and the day would be lost. The struggle with anxiety, impulsion, and over-stimulation from chaotic or high-energized environments was too much to handle.

___

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___

For years, we dreaded it. We began to lose hope. That is, until this time last year. That’s when my wife, Kristin, came up with an idea.

“Let’s not open gifts in our house this year,” she said to me one November evening.

I was confused. “Do you mean, go to your parents’ house instead?”

“No,” she replied. “Let’s open them somewhere else.

“Like where?” I asked.

“What if we asked someone to use their space, just for opening presents, nothing else? We could do that and then come back to our house for Christmas Day dinner.”

And that’s precisely what we did. We had a connection to an after-school program who owned a house just north of where we lived. It was only a mile from our house. But it made a world of difference for our children with sensory-processing needs.

It’s a big question we’ve asked over the years, right before Thanksgiving hits — how do you navigate the holidays with children who deal with special needs that may be triggered by all of the excitement and fanfare surrounding the season? We’re still learning how to do this for the most part, but we’ve found a few key ways to help reduce the overload …

Pay attention to location.

Perhaps your home is a trigger. Perhaps the room you open gifts in is a trigger. If you have this option, try moving to a different location for the big morning. It may not be feasible, but it was something that worked for us. Even a relative’s home may be a better option. Often times, the place they are most familiar with becomes the biggest trigger for meltdowns or sensory overload.

Create a safe space.

We have some good friends with a son who has sensory processing needs, much like ours. He has lots of trouble on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas morning. Really, anytime lots of people are gathered around, watching him open gifts (as grandparents, aunts, and uncles will do at Christmas), or focus lots of attention on him, he has trouble. They tell their son, before holiday gatherings, that he can take time away in his room or in a quiet place if he feels like he’s nearing overload. We have followed this same measure with some of our kids. When you intentionally create a space that is safe for your kiddos, you’ll enable them to find peace through hectic holiday gatherings.

Allow time for preparation.

Those same friends do something else I think is key. They prepare well in advance. They have conversations with their son about what is to come. It doesn’t always fully help them through moments of high sensory overload, but it has made a big difference. We follow along the same lines with lots of conversations with our children who suffer from alcohol-related nuerodevelopmental disorder (ARND). Their brains cannot handle lots of overload or excitement. But, walking them through everything well in advance has made a big difference with the outcome of the day.

As much as you can, stick to routine.

I know — this is hard to do if you’re traveling, or even with the holiday break in general. There’s no school routine, no work routine, no one has to get up early, and you can pretty much stay up later if you want (because there’s no work or school to contend with). I get it. Same deal in our household. But, routine is king when you’re parenting children with major special needs (like ARND or sensory processing needs). As far as it depends on you, stick to routine. You may not be able to fully, but if you can to some degree, you may find that meltdowns are shorter lived or few and far between.

The biggest piece of advice I can give to anyone who is parenting children who have a difficult time during the holidays, is be aware of your kids’ needs. It sounds simple but often, it’s hard to remember, especially during the chaos of the season. As much as we wish we could do the things that normal families do during Thanksgiving and Christmas, we can’t. We have to modify — tweak the world around us — to accommodate our precious children. We want them to enjoy the holidays as much as anyone else. That’s true for our family, and I’m sure it is for yours. Taking small steps, and paying attention to a few key aspects of our children’s ability to process through a bright and chaotic season, can make a world of difference.

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This Is Why Being a Woman Feels So Hard

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Today I did something that I have never had to do in eight years as a parent, something that made me feel like I had reached my lowest point as a mother and frankly, as a human being:

I hired a babysitter so that I could shower.

Do you know how pathetic that makes me feel? How ridiculous it feels to admit that? How slightly angry it makes me that showering costs me valuable and precious money?

But you know what? I did what had to be done because this week has been one of insanity in my house, including sick kids, a husband who’s away, huge work projects, and lots of drama. Oh, and an election that is changing our world as we know it, but that’s besides the point.

The point is, I accepted that this is my life right now and I accepted that I have become someone who requires help to shower, but it still doesn’t make it any easier. And that is frustrating as a woman who has always tried my best to believe that moms can have fulfilling careers and happy home lives and meaningful relationships. Because paying someone to fit a shower into my day doesn’t feel at all normal.

Now bear with me for what is to come next, because it’s important to understanding why us mothers find it so freaking hard to do what we do, day in and day out.

This weekend, I went away for two days for work and while I was inordinately excited to spend two whole days all by myself (being able to eat when I wanted, drink coffee when I wanted, pee when I wanted, and sleep when I wanted) I knew that my “freedom” would come with a price.

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And sure enough, I returned, more exhausted than when I started and sick from traveling, to piles of school paperwork that my husband had left for me, rotting food in an otherwise empty fridge, laundry overflowing, and missed and panicked calls from my husband about where the kids needed to be.

It really got me thinking, about how much I wish I could just relax more and stop thinking about how much I have to do, because thinking about it only makes me more stressed. And obviously, my husband does a lot too. He may not manage the domestic front or put away the laundry or have the internal radar that goes off in my head whenever we are running low on any household item, he does a lot of stuff for our family that I never think about (like mow the grass, fix anything and everything, and cook a mean pad thai dinner).

But for some reason, there is still this huge difference between us about how we see life and how we view the world. And I finally think I’ve cracked the code on why that huge, glaring difference exists —

It’s because as women, everything we do seems to come only with a tradeoff.

Want a baby? Sacrifice your body. Want no baby? Sacrifice what people think of you. Want a career? Sacrifice your sanity or potentially, your family. Want time away? Sacrifice staying ahead of the laundry. Want to have sex? Sacrifice 9 months or the burden of choosing contraception that doesn’t suck. Heck, even sex leaves women with literal stuff to deal with. Women don’t get the convenience of skipping over the afterthoughts of life, while men really, literally, and figuratively, can walk away without a second thought.

For women, it can feel like everything we do comes with a price.

Maybe it’s because so many of us know what it’s like to pay the ultimate price of life within our own bodies or maybe it’s because so many of have to pay a high price to even become mothers, but either way, it can feel hard to be a woman and a mother who feels like she is constantly making trade-offs just to make it through the day.

And I’m not saying these are bad things or that women need to act like men or do anything men have historically done to be equal or better. I’m just saying that it has helped me to realize that quite frankly, I am not crazy for feeling, well … crazy. My life as a women and a mother and an employee and a wife is about making trade-offs to make it all happen. Maybe it won’t always be that way and maybe we will find a better way, but until then, I will continue making the only trade-off that I know has a pretty good success rate at this point: Trading sleep for coffee. Most of the time.

But if Mama needs a nap, watch out, because the trade-off of too much missed sleep is not something anyone wants to see either.

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To the Man Who Called Me “Spoiled” for Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

Image Source: Katy Anderson
Image Source: Katy Anderson

It may have been eight years ago, but I still remember the moment like it was yesterday.

I was new to motherhood back then; my days filled with the all-consuming tasks of caring for a rambunctious toddler. You arrived to place a satellite dish on top of the humble little pre-fab rental home we were staying in. You were polite enough in the beginning and seemed to be watching me with thinly veiled amusement as I tried to keep up with my son in the front yard.

But eventually, we struck up a conversation. And I was shocked by how quickly it started to feel like an interrogation.

“Do you work?” you asked pointedly.

“No, I’m staying home with my son right now,” I explained.

“You’re a stay-at-home mom and you only have one kid?” you said back. (And believe me, your condescending tone wasn’t lost on me one bit.)

I was stunned, but managed to answer back something along the lines of admitting I was finding it to be plenty challenging. But really, that was actually an understatement; motherhood was rocking my world.

The truth is, I don’t remember everything that followed after that word-for-word — most of it is lost to memory now — but I do recall you saying something that has stuck with me to this day: You called me spoiled.

Spoiled.

You referenced your own wife, who had four kids. I don’t know if she worked outside the home or not, but you wanted me to know I was “spoiled” because I had decided to stay home with “only one” child.

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I wish I knew what made you feel comfortable enough to voice your opinions about my life choices in that moment; after all, we had only just met.

And I wish I knew why, of all the terms to use, you chose “spoiled” to describe me. Did you mean to aim to make me feel small, juvenile, and weak? Perhaps it was because I’m a woman. I can’t imagine a man telling another man he is spoiled.

But I also wonder if you gave any thought to the person on the other end of your insult.

You may have looked at me that day and seen someone who seemed to have it pretty good, but the truth is, you saw nothing at all.
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I was angry, but also hurt. As a young 23-year-old mom, I was still insecure in my new role in life. Most women my age were out discovering their place in this world; finding their passions, and partying late into the night. Marrying young and becoming a mother had been my choice, but it was one I was still acclimating to. I was grateful for the opportunity to be home with my son; it’s what I had wanted. But that doesn’t mean it came easily or without sacrifices.

You may have looked at me that day and seen someone who seemed to have it pretty good, but the truth is, you saw nothing at all. You had no way of knowing that the decision for me to stay home with my baby required making a move from a brand new home into what was essentially a trailer, that I feared would blow away with the wild winds of our town.

You had no way of knowing that it required me quitting a job I enjoyed with people that I missed. And no longer could my husband and I go out to eat on a regular basis; instead, I had to work with a shoestring budget and even — gasp!— become a “crazy coupon lady” overnight.

And you had no way of knowing that my struggle to get pregnant with PCOS was difficult and emotional. You were not privy to witnessing my severe nausea and vomiting throughout my pregnancy; or how challenging it was for me to care for a colicky baby in a zombie-like state of exhaustion for three months straight.

You could not see into my private, painful insecurities and anxieties about being a mother. And my guess is, you didn’t care to.

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I know that there are so many mothers out there who have sacrificed much more and had greater challenges than I have, but that’s not really the point.

The point is, we all need to stop making snap judgements about each other, whatever our life decisions may be. There is so much of that running rampant in this world, but especially when it comes to parenting. All it’s managing to do is drive us all crazy and make us even more insecure.

To be fair, I am not immune to it either. I have been on the other end of things, sticking my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion, and have had to apologize to someone I hurt.

Why is it so easy for us to forget that the hardships another person may be facing are rarely seen on the surface? We all struggle with private battles often guarded in secrecy. And yet we lose sight of the lessons drilled into us as children: That kindness and tolerance are the best approach.

I wish I could have told myself at that time it was okay that I was struggling; instead I felt like everyone else made it look so easy. But it isn’t easy for most, and it’s okay not to “enjoy every moment.” There are plenty of moments to cherish during parenthood and plenty of others that’ll test our limits; and although the days can seem to stretch on like pulled taffy, it’s true what they say — the milestones will fly by.

I wasn’t a confident new mother, but I was a happy one. I adored my little boy. I felt so many things all at once at that time in my life. Sometimes I was joyful, sometimes completely overwhelmed; I was perpetually exhausted, forever amazed at my ever-changing and rapidly growing little man, and full of so much love.

I did not, however, feel spoiled. In the nine years that I’ve been a stay-at-home mom — now to three little rambunctious boys — I have felt very blessed and very challenged; but never ever spoiled.

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In the end, this isn’t really a letter to you, as much as a letter to myself.

You see, had I met you today rather than eight years ago, I would have reacted so differently. Time and experience have taught me so much about parenting and motherhood and myself. Now I know that I have made the choices that would work best for my family, and I am confident in those choices. And I wouldn’t doubt or regret them even if an army of ignorant satellite installers dared to cross my path again.

Nov 24, 2016

The True Secret to Getting Babies to Sleep Through the Night

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

A night of uninterrupted sleep.

It is the ultimate fantasy of tired __parents everywhere. If you have a baby under the age of one (and unfortunately, often well beyond that for some) you know that sleep is a hot commodity and one that you are probably getting very little of.

Everywhere you look, some expert or author is peddling their “best practices” for getting a baby to sleep through the night. Every playground is filled with moms who “absolutely swear by” BabyWise/bed sharing/whatever the newest sleep trend is and each one knowingly preaches their favored method as baby sleep gospel.

As a new parent, I’ll admit that I read and listened to it all. I was drowning in exhaustion and in a constant search for that one magical thing that was finally going to get my babies to sleep.

With my first baby it was all trial and error. She didn’t sleep well in the same room with us and within the first month was moved to her own room. Once she was there, she slept better, but not great. She usually woke up anywhere between 1-3 times a night (sometimes a lot more) until nearly 18 months.

When it came to naps, she was terrible at them. She didn’t nap for longer than 45 minutes until she was about 10 months old and even then she wouldn’t nap unless I was laying right there next to her. We tried various approaches, but she had to do it in her own time (which is very much her personality still). We finally had to just let her fuss and she finally figured out the whole sleep thing around 18 months. Even then it was hard to get her to fall asleep right away, because she was always super alert. Once she was asleep though, she would sleep like a dream.

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Child #2 was different.

My son was a great sleeper from the beginning …  if I was holding him or sleeping next to him or wearing him. He wanted to be held ALL. THE. TIME. Anytime I set him down he was unhappy. I was much more eager to get him in his own room and start sleep training him, but he was having none of that. He slept in our bed until he was 6 months old and then one day I decided I just couldn’t handle a giant wiggly baby in my bed any longer and stuck him in his room (for the umpteenth time, because believe me, it’s not like I hadn’t tried before).

He fussed for maybe five minutes and then he was out like a light. He slept great from that point forward. Unlike my daughter, he fell asleep with ease and right away, but didn’t always sleep as long. Where she would take regularly take 3-4 hour naps, his would be half … if that. He never slept in like she did, either. He would fall asleep right away, but would also wake bright and early, ready to greet the day.

By the time I became pregnant with Baby #3, I had come to the conclusion that I just wasn’t very good at the whole baby sleep thing. My kids weren’t necessarily terrible sleepers, but despite my best efforts, they also weren’t great. I never seemed to figure out that one magic thing I had been looking for. It honestly seemed like a crap shoot. What one child had liked (swaddling, white noise, etc.), the other was ambivalent toward. I just couldn’t seem to nail it down, so I resigned myself to the fact that this next baby was going to follow suit.

Maybe there really wasn’t a secret to this baby sleep thing after all.

Then, our third child was born and we got her to sleep like a dream from the get-go. She was sleeping through the night almost immediately and I finally realized the undisclosed truth about baby sleep.

The true secret to getting a baby to sleep through the night is …

Getting a baby who is just naturally a good sleeper.

I know this is probably annoying to read as you were likely hoping to discover some amazing untold trick, but the difficult truth that I’ve learned after having three children is that every child is different … especially when it comes to sleep.

I tried all the tips and tricks with my kids and nothing worked and it left me feeling incredibly frustrated, but now that I lucked out with Baby #3 (i.e. my rockstar sleeper), I’ve realized that what it really comes down to is luck of the draw. Some babies are just better sleepers than others and it isn’t a direct reflection of a person’s parenting skills. I used to beat myself up about how bad my kids were at sleeping — I felt like a failure — when really it was just them and their particular sleep tendencies.

Certainly, there are things you can do and products you can use that can encourage sleep and make things a bit easier, but mostly it comes down to each baby and their leanings.

The good news is that it’s OK to keep trying the tips and tricks, because sometimes they can help you figure out what works for your individual baby. But in the end, each child is different and sometimes it’s just a matter of trial and error and waiting it out.

I promise though, every baby learns to sleep eventually. So keep your heads up new parents, because when that time comes it will be glorious.

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