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Like most parents, I do my best to base my lifestyle decisions on good values and ethical reasoning. We cook the majority of our food with organic, fresh produce. We compost our scraps for use in the garden. We try to re-use aluminum foil and avoid plastic wrap. We sprinkle seed over the snow for the birds. And we discuss why we do these things with our five-year-old son.
This is all well and good, except recently I’ve found my son’s been taking my messages a little too much to heart. And when I heard my words in his mouth, I realized how much they sounded … well, kind of insufferable and preachy. Here are a few recent examples:
When I went to wrap a piece of cheese in plastic wrap Felix screamed “No! That stuff is terrible for the earth!”
He broke into tears because I threw out a stale bit of peanut-butter and jam sandwich that he didn’t finish. “I hate wasting food,” he said. “Save it! Save it for me!” He then had a full-on meltdown because he felt so badly about squandering his lunch.
When at a friend’s house, he saw her mom throwing food away and said, “Why don’t you compost? You should compost. It’s good for the garden. You shouldn’t throw food away.”
At school, his teachers gave out cookies as a special treat for snack one day. Felix ate them (of course), but he also said, “This is junk food, and we don’t eat this kind of stuff at home because it’s really bad for you. Why are you giving us this for snack?”
A natural part of any child’s development is forming rules about right and wrong behavior and how the world works, rules based on their experiences at home and, to a lesser degree, school or church. Do we want to establish good, moral behavior in our children? Of course. But it’s also important to emphasize acceptance of others, by exposing our kids to different view-points and encouraging them to not judge people who choose differently from us.
This is a tough message even for adults, but especially for children. I’m sure we’ve all encountered a child who has been showered with attention and affection and is so sure of herself that she thinks her way is the right way, and everyone else is wrong. These are whom we quietly, among friends, refer to as brats, right? Left unchecked, those children can become rigid to the point of inflexibility and single-mindedness.
To put it another way, your child might grow into one of those jerks who always thinks he or she is right.
So now when I explain how or why we do the things we do, I try to take a moderate tone. I’ve made clear that not every family composts, say, and that’s not a moral failing on their part. They might not be interested in composting, or, especially here in New York City, have the ability to do it even if they wanted to. Furthermore, it’s impolite to tell people what to do in their own house.
I’ve also had to tell my son that his grandparents aren’t bad people because they use a lot of plastic wrap. And yes, though we try to avoid throwing away food, sometimes it goes bad or stale or we made too much and no one wants it all. We do our best, but we can’t always be on point, and so shouldn’t beat ourselves up about it. Nor should we get bent out of shape when other people have different expectations or rules in their house. Our society is based on all types of people with many points of view, and we should be careful and considerate and hesitant to judge.
This is especially challenging for parents like me with only one child. My son doesn’t have a sibling to bump up against, another child in the house who has different opinions from him. So I often play the role of devil’s advocate, challenging his stances, though this sometimes gets me into murky areas. For example, when he saw someone smoking a cigarette on the street, Felix said, “That’s horrible. People who smoke are hurting their lungs. I don’t understand why anyone would do that.”
“It’s addictive, for one,” I said. “So they might not want to smoke, but find it hard to stop. And the reason they start is because smoking gives people a burst of energy. If it was all bad, like if it made them feel sick, people wouldn’t do it.”
This led to a complicated discussion about what addiction means, and why some things that feel or taste good can be harmful to us. Was it possibly too much for a five-year-old to process? Maybe. Do I want my son to grow up to be a smoker? No. But I’d rather him disdain cigarettes than look down on smokers, who are, after all, people just like you and me. (I also have a few dear friends who smoke, and I don’t think any less of them for that).
Similarly, when he came home with the smug “we had junk food today at school” message, I said, “It’s no big deal to eat that stuff every once in a while.” Then I told him the Shake Shack fries that he loves so much would qualify as junk food, which gave him pause. Again, it’s not like I want to encourage him to eat unhealthily, but I don’t want him turning his nose up at all the people sitting down for dinner in a fast food joint. That doesn’t seem very nice to me.
Instilling the value of tolerance and acceptance means, in a way, weakening our own position. It amounts to saying, I do what I think it right, but it’s just that — what I think. I am a fallible human being, as we all are. I may be basing my decisions on science that is faulty or beliefs that are wrong, and misguided. I might believe I am doing good but unintentionally be hurting someone’s feelings or causing harm. I am not always going to be correct. This is an especially unusual position for a man to take in America. Traditional dads are always right, and secure in their privilege. But I’m more comfortable asking questions and looking at situations from many angles than I am providing over-simplified answers. Those feel more like lies than truths to me.
I don’t want to squelch my little boy developing a sure sense of self, but I want that ego to grow with an awareness of opposition. I want him to keep it in check, to have consideration for others who don’t believe what he believes. Here’s hoping I’m doing the right thing. For all I know, I might be completely misguided!