We all chuckle at the early arrival of holiday cheer. In our neighborhood, the annual tree and lights went up the day before Thanksgiving, the Gingerbread Lattes were in full swing shortly after, and the carols are a given in every store.
Yes, it causes some eye rolling. But if your family has a holiday tradition during this time of year, there’s a scientific reason to embrace it early. Here’s it is: research tells us that the anticipation is as powerful as the event itself. The lead up time makes our kids (and us) happy. In fact, if we keep our priorities straight, the month-long celebration can be what builds the strongest memories for the family.
It might sound counterintuitive that waiting is so important, because we’re creatures programmed to seek instant gratification. But if the conditions are right, waiting is actually what it’s all about. In fact, even though most research shows that people don’t like to wait for things, certain types of waiting are highly satisfying, and people derive as much out of the preamble as they do from the actual event.
The key is this: waiting for material objects is not rewarding, but waiting for experiences is. Social psychologists have shown (most recently in a paper earlier this year) that people derive a lot of pleasure out of “doing” not “having,” and waiting for an experience is often more rewarding than immediately being in it. When it comes to the holidays, it’s pretty clear what this means: planning family together time, thinking about dinners and traditions big or small is rewarding. Items and presents are alluring and fun, but don’t give much in the way of deep or lasting satisfaction.
In fact, waiting for an experience can be so rewarding that scientists have shown people actually choose to delay especially delightful ones so they can be relished. For example, in a well known experiment on waiting, researchers found that if people are given a hypothetical scenario of kissing their favorite celebrity, they say they’d pay more to kiss that person 3 days in the future, rather than doing it right now. Even if there aren’t celebrity guests at your holiday dinner table, the idea still holds—there’s a lot of value in looking forward to something special.
Research also tells us that traditions (the special behaviors and rituals we do as a family — not the stack of gifts under the tree) are very powerful for children. As I wrote in an earlier column on the science of holiday traditions, psychologists consistently link them to kids’ happiness, well being and even academic success. Kids with traditions in their lives have better emotional skills, and mothers of preschoolers who feel their family has meaningful rituals report higher marital satisfaction, and the list goes on: family rituals are linked to parental competence, kids confidence, and overall family satisfaction.
The run up to the holidays, as well as the days of, are where these traditions play out. In our house, it’s the little things that give us all a spring in our step: decorating a tree, doing crafts together to adorn the house, making our new favorite (and possibly future traditional) pecan pie on graham cracker crust. And the big things, like looking forward to the grandparents’ arrivals. The month-long holiday madness can seem overwhelming, but as long as you focus on what’s important, all that madness can be gratifying. It gives our kids a sense that they belong to something bigger than themselves, that the world is a predictable place, that rituals are special and important, and mostly, that the people who love them are together.
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Heather Turgeon, MFT is a psychotherapist and co-author of the new book The Happy Sleeper: The Science-Backed Guide to Helping Your Baby Get a Good Night’s Sleep (Penguin Random House, December, 2014)