If you’re a parent with a Twitter account, chances are you tweet about your kids — and often. Some of the things we’ve seen (the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly) are just begging to be shared, and who has the time for more than 140 characters? Not us. So here you go, the funniest tweets from __parents on Twitter this week. #yourewelcome
1. Way to take a stand.
wife: Stay in bed or daddy's going to shut your door
[later]
toddler *gets out of bed* *climbs up on couch* *sits beside me* Shrek?
me: Yep— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 15, 2016
2. Either way, it’s not effective.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 11, 2016
3. We’ll take “Bedtime Questions” for $200, Alex.
I've never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it's like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) December 15, 2016
4. Don’t want to deal.
Kid texting:
Pick me up at 4:00.I forgot my lunch money.
Can you bring my folder to school?
Mom?
Mom??????
Me:
New phone. Who dis?— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) December 13, 2016
5. Good hustle out there.
6am: Husband leaps out of bed because he forgot to move the elf.
7am: 7yo – "The tooth fairy didn't come!!"
YOU CAN'T WIN PARENTING
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 10, 2016
6. Done and done.
I'm saving a ton of money this year by switching my kids to the Naughty List.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) December 14, 2016
7. We all need our alone time.
Me: *walks into room
7yos: *naked, playing Wii Tennis
Me: *walks out of room— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 14, 2016
8. Dads are super productive.
Lost 5 dad points for not knowing where something was in Home Depot but got 10 back for searching for 8 hrs so I wouldn't have to ask anyone
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 3, 2016
9. That’s more of a third date remark.
My 3 year old son has a crush and just said, "can I shoot you with my webs?" and I'm like, "shh, don't Spider-Man her on the first date."
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) December 15, 2016
10. That’ll teach her.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don't clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 12, 2016
11. It’s always better to plan ahead.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) December 15, 2016
12. Good call.
2017 is going to be the year I put myself first!
Just kidding, I have a husb, 3 kids, 2 cats, a puppy & a mortgage-I'll just aim for sanity.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) December 15, 2016
13. It’s never enough.
Me: Here's construction paper, sketch pads & tons of markers, pencils & crayons
Kid: I'll take your 1 notepad & the only pen you own, thx
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 12, 2016
14. Welcome to the real world.
12: Monday's suck. I hate everything.
Me, tearfully: My little boy is growing up!
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) December 12, 2016
15. You’re walking on thin ice there, buddy.
Kid: Who's that?
Me: Beyonce
Kid: Like fiance?
Me: Oh, I wish
Wife: What did you say?
Me: Nothing— Tim (@Playing_Dad) December 15, 2016