I have a distinct memory of one special holiday gift I received when I was about 10 years old. There, sitting on our fireplace hearth was a beautifully wrapped gift — for me. It sat there for days and I shook it regularly, trying to figure out what it was. It was from my sister and I couldn’t wait to open it.
Finally, on Hanukah I ripped open the package and discovered a pair of cream-colored animal slippers. I loved them instantly. My sister was nearly as excited as I was because she knew I would love them, and she had purchased them with her own money.
Had I originally asked for the hot gift of the season, the Cabbage Patch doll? Of course. Had I asked for these slippers? No. But, they were the perfect gift because my sister had chosen them for me. This meant more to me than any doll.
As a parent in 2016 many of us feel a need to focus on the hot gift of the season, and our world of instant gratification and online shopping makes it simple. But, our children deserve more than some new shiny toy of the year. They deserve our honesty and to know they won’t necessarily get everything they asked for, and the reason why. And they should know that gifts like those slippers will be far more meaningful than any Cabbage Patch doll (or hoverboard, Xbox, or Hatchimal, as the case may be).
A recent survey suggests that for 53 percent of __parents of kids ages 8 to 14, satisfying kids’ wish lists is more important than budgeting. On average, __parents surveyed spend over $400 on holiday gifts and are even, in some cases, willing to go into debt to satisfy the holiday wish list.
Very naturally, kids want what their friends have and parents want to give it to them — regardless of their family’s financial situation. Having an honest conversation with your kids before the holidays can help convey important life lessons like gratitude, appreciation, and the value of a dollar. parents should be able to explain that they can’t afford the Xbox or the new iPhone that “all their friends” are getting. And even for the parents who have the financial means, it’s important to let kids know that they won’t automatically get everything they ask for.
Talking to your kids about the family’s financial situation and priorities.
Honesty is the best policy, and while it’s not always easy to talk about finances, it is important that your kids understand the big picture. Gifts are fun, but we all have limits. You don’t have to overshare, and you definitely don’t want to scare your children. I would encourage you to go as deep into the reality of it as feels comfortable and appropriate and to put a hopeful spin on it wherever possible.
For example, if you have a tight budget, explain that it is in order to save money for what is important to you and your family. Our children know that among other expenses, we have grocery and clothing budgets that we watch very closely. We all sometimes have the urge to purchase items impulsively, but money is not in endless supply and decisions should be made wisely by every family member. Granted, it can be fun to make a spontaneous purchase when you’re out with your kids, but it’s important to let them know that the purchase today may limit future choices.
I was out with my daughter after her parent-teacher conferences just last week and as we were walking around she saw a store that looked “cool.” Sure enough she found some fun holiday items including an ugly Christmas sweater. She really wanted it and so we talked about which budget it would fall in and weighed our choices before purchasing. Setting the tone with her and having a context for the budgets helped me to make the decision with her, which can really help when the decision has to be “no.”
Be careful to manage holiday expectations for your family to avoid disappointment and to maximize the fun parts. Before dipping into your savings to buy gifts, consider your options (see below). And, just because you have the financial means does not mean you have to make the purchase. I’m not suggesting we should never indulge, but I am suggesting that we carefully consider the majority of our purchases. Specifically, gift giving should be about the relationship, the joy of selecting a special something for a special someone, and the excitement of bestowing it.
Strategies for talking to your kids about holiday spending.
Be honest about your situation.
Don’t be afraid to share your reasons for setting limits. Try to avoid scare tactics, and help your child understand your priorities. Try prompts like, “We have to be mindful of our spending,” “We have X dollars set aside for celebrations throughout the year,” or “We choose to spend on X instead of on lots of holiday presents.”
Discuss your family’s values.
Talk about what you want to focus on during the holiday season, and realistically all year ’round. It may sound corny, but seasonal celebrations can be about family and friends and being together. If that’s your goal, make it clear through your words and your actions.
Set expectations clearly.
There are lots of holiday ads, decorations, and special celebrations this time of year. Make sure you talk with your child about what to expect before attending, whenever possible. If your child is participating in a gift exchange at school, talk about alternative types of gifts so you can stick to your budget (see below for alternative ideas).
Stick to your list.
Have your children help you create a list of gifts or other holidays items you are buying. And, if you’re out shopping, share your budget and your list so you don’t stray if impulse buying is not an option.
Make your own holiday traditions.
March to your own drum and be proud of it. You don’t have to celebrate the same way other families do. And if, as a result, your kids are disappointed or embarrassed because their family does the holidays differently, that’s OK. You can take the opportunity to talk about their feelings and teach them resilience, how to move on, and how to enjoy what they do have.
Focusing on the holiday spirit and experience instead of just the gifts.
Group gifts.
Encourage your children to be a part of the gift selection or creation process. This will help them learn about the fun part of giving and not just getting.
Gift exchanges.
There’s no doubt it’s fun to get gifts, so if you are being mindful of not over-indulging, try doing a secret Santa or personalized gift exchange where everyone is designated one person to get a gift for.
One-of-a-kind gifts.
Try your hand at a craft, baking, or get creative and plan a holiday excursion with your family. The excursion could be a local day or part of a bigger trip. Focus on the experience and not on the gifts.
Give back to the community.
Find a non-profit organization that is doing something you care about and volunteer your time or collect funds to help support their mission. You can help to collect, prepare, and/or serve food to those less fortunate for holiday celebrations. And when choosing an activity, make sure it’s something you can enjoy together with your family and something you believe in.
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We must dispel the myth that we need to keep up with the Jones’s, the Clauses, or even ourselves. Something that I have to constantly remind myself is that just because we did something last year, or for the past 10 years, does not mean we have to do it again.
I grew up Jewish and my husband grew up Jewish and Catholic (fondly referring to himself as a Cashew). We celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas, and Christmas was always at his mother’s house. Last year was the first year we hosted Christmas as a family and we went a little bonkers decorating (the Jewish girl in me finally fulfilled her Christmas fantasies). I also thought of the PERFECT gift for each of my children even though they were a little indulgent. This year we are still enjoying the decorations, but decided to put a limit on the gifts and the outings. There is no way I can continue with the pace I set last year. So, I asked the kids what they liked best about our holidays and they decided to focus on the gingerbread house and the cookie decorating.
My grandmother used to say, “You can’t spoil a good thing,” when she was accused of spoiling one of us. We giggled back then and my kids now use that phrase against me when they want something and I’m resistant. When a child expects and then gets everything they want, they don’t understand what it is to aspire and they don’t develop a sense of work ethic, perseverance, or appreciation. The holidays should, first and foremost be a time for joy, and family. Gifts can certainly be a part of that, but when they are the focus, then the big picture is lost.