We all know the expression, “You don’t understand a person’s journey until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” Well, Lindsay Norris, an oncology nurse in Kansas, is now walking that walk. Throughout her career, Norris has met cancer patient after cancer patient. She thought she knew their journey. She thought she knew their pain. She thought she knew their fears. But as she recently learned, she actually had no idea.
Now, since getting her own cancer diagnosis in September, Norris is truly walking in her patients’ shoes for the first time. And she has a few things to say to them.
Over these past few months, Norris has used her blog Here Comes the Sun as a way to communicate with family and friends, and also as a catharsis for her pain and fears. Her recent blog post — titled, “Dear every cancer patient I ever took care of, I’m sorry. I didn’t get it” — has even gone viral, as it confesses the truth about living with cancer. It gives a voice and legitimacy to every patient who has been told she is worrying too much, or should not question her doctors, or needs to stay positive. In short, Lindsay’s post says to all of her patients whom she has treated over the years, I am sorry. I thought I understood, but I didn’t.
She confesses:
“I didn’t get what it felt like to actually hear the words. I’ve been in on countless diagnoses conversations and even had to give the news myself on plenty of occasions, but being the person the doctor is talking about is surreal. You probably went home and broke down under the weight of what you had just been told. That day was the worst. I’m sorry. I didn’t get it.”
“I didn’t get that when you said you were tired, you really meant so much more. Sure there are words like exhaustion and extreme fatigue — but there should really be a separate word just for cancer patients, because it’s crippling. Really. Some days you really wondered how you’d trudge forward. I’m sorry. I didn’t get it.”
“I didn’t get that it hurts to be left out. People didn’t invite you to things anymore. People felt like they can’t complain or vent about every day annoyances to you anymore. People acted differently towards you and it hurt a bit.”
But perhaps the hardest realization of all for Norris was this one: “I didn’t get how much you worried about your kids,” she wrote. “For this, I’m the most regretful. I should’ve talked to you more about them — and not just in terms of lifting restrictions or germs.”
Speaking with Babble, Norris shares how that very notion affects her on a deep level now:
“I’m not sure I am able to fully express how terrifying it is to think I could leave my kids early,” she says. “I worry about them being negatively affected by my treatments, but at the same time, they are my best medicine. Their smiles and snuggles are enough to get me through the darkest of times and help me feel normal.”
I know Lindsay Norris personally myself. Our 3-year-old sons have played together, fighting over the blue light saber and chasing the same soccer ball. Standing at a just under 5 feet tall, it’s hard to imagine how tough she is by looking at her. But strong she is, and you can be damn sure she’s ready to fight.
In her first blog post, Norris describes the moment “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles played during her MRI, one of the most terrifying moments of her life as she did not know how far the cancer had spread. She used this song as inspiration to create her blog — to chronicle her journey by sharing the ugly truth, while pepper in lots of humor, too. She laughs about being the “butt” of the jokes as a patient with colorectal cancer.
And Norris also gets real. She’s ready to do the work — to defeat cancer for her kids, for her husband, and for herself. For she knows that when she comes out on the other side, she’ll truly see the sun.