Dear Neighbor,
I thought I should write you a quick note as I have a hunch you may think our house is full of crazy people. While you may not be too far off in that assumption, I want to clarify the magnitude of the crazy. I can only imagine all the yelling and screaming you hear coming from our house on a regular basis. I can assure you that no one is getting murdered, no limbs are being removed, and it is not some sort of communal housing for freaks. We are simply a regular old family and the exhausted __parents of an 8-year-old, 6-year-old, and 3-year-old. You, being our neighbors, are the lucky holders of VIP seats to the show, like it or not.
So, in an effort to explain that we are not completely bonkers, I would like to take this opportunity to let you know a few of the reasons why you may hear the blood curdling shrieking and wailing coming from our house at all hours.
- Mommy and Daddy are late for work and trying to get everyone in the car.
- The kids are late for the bus and I asked the 6-year-old to put on her shoes. This leads to a level of screeching you wouldn’t believe.
- One of the kids is sitting on the other.
- I asked the 3-year-old to wear pants outside.
- The 6-year-old wants chips and we said no.
- It’s bedtime.
- Football is on and our team is losing or his fantasy team is not doing well.
- The dog is looking at the 3-year-old.
- My husband lost a battle on his Wizard iPad game.
- I said I was leaving to go grocery shopping.
- The oldest is holding the cat and the middle wants to pet her.
- I ruined the 8-year-old’s life by telling him he can’t go outside and play until homework is done.
- I asked the kids to take a shower.
- The dog pooped on the floor again. (This one is usually me screaming!)
- One of the girls took the other one’s Shopkins. (BTW, what the hell are these supposed to be?)
- The youngest wants to watch the Coraline movie AGAIN and it is no longer on OnDemand.
- Mommy lost her shit because no one can hear her. Ever.
- We ran out of Goldfish.
- Me trying to change the toddler’s diaper.
- I made the shittiest dinner ever AGAIN.
See? No murders, no limb removal … just a regular old dysfunctional family with three kids under 8. Please accept our apologies.