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I’ll never forget the time that I got caught reprimanding another mother’s child.
It was a few years ago, shortly after my second daughter was born and I was hosting a play date with my then four-year-old daughter’s friend. The big girls were playing on the swings outside while I yanked weeds out of our garden across the yard with the baby on my hip.
Suddenly, my daughter’s friend burst into great, big, sobbing, hiccupping tears. From across my perch in the garden I could see that a fight had broken out over the use of my daughter’s favorite swing, so I picked my way across emerging carrots, fledgling onions, and blooming tomato plants to the girls, who were each trying to defend themselves (loudly) to me.
I knew that no one was hurt and that there was no imminent danger so I simply called out to the little girl, “I can’t hear you if you’re crying, honey!” as I made my way towards them.
I admit that I may have sounded slightly unconcerned to her plight and I admit that I may have sighed that sigh of tired mothers everywhere as I said it, but I swear my intentions were simply to distract her from crying so I could remedy the swing situation.
But it was at the exact moment that the words left my lips that I saw her.
The girl’s mother.
Who had just come into the yard to witness two things: 1) Her daughter crying hysterically and 2) a woman she barely knew basically scolding her for crying.
I was beyond mortified and even more embarrassed when the woman pretty much sprinted to her daughter, scooped her up, and made the hastiest of hasty retreats.
Obviously, what went down that day wasn’t nearly as dramatic as the situation described in the new mini-series The Slap, which details what happens when one dad with major back issues and an anger problem, slaps another parent’s child at an afternoon birthday party. But watching the show, I was immediately taken back to that day when I let my own emotions spill over and carelessly spoke to a child that needed comforting.
What the show alludes to — and what I experienced that day — is that often times, disciplining a child isn’t as simple as just dolling out discipline to a child. What happens in that split second when you decide that you, as the adult, are in charge of another human being, the child, is actually the result of a whole lot more than the actions taking place in that single moment. The stress of the day, the way your parents disciplined you, or maybe even how much sleep you got the night before, all have an impact on what comes out of your mouth when you speak to a child who is misbehaving — and nowhere is that more evident if that particular child happens not to be your own.
As a parent, I am never more frustrated than when I feel out of control when disciplining my children. The shouts, the time-outs, the “go to your room, young lady!”’s are all a direct result of me basically not knowing what else to do. I understand that no parent is perfect and I am never above sitting down with my child and apologizing, but I will admit that I know how easy it is to let emotions and frustration bubble over to the surface.
On more than one occasion, I’ve heard other people — family and friends — scold my children and I’ve felt the sick twist of my stomach, like a literal punch in the gut as I’ve witnessed my child visibly stiffen, color rising in their cheeks at an adult who’s not her mother scold her. I know how much more it stings coming from someone else that she respects and looks up to — it’s not “just” Mom. My inner Mama Bear has never reared her furry head so much as when my child has been threatened, even if that threat was as mild as a sarcastic reproach from another adult.
I still feel badly about that day, knowing that I could have responded so much better to that little girl — I mean, she was probably tired and scared in a new place and just wanted her mommy — but instead, I let my exhaustion and frustration leave my lips in the form of words.
It wasn’t a slap.
But by the look on her mother’s face, it might as well have been.
How do you react when someone else reprimands your child?