As a parenting blogger, I spend a lot of time thinking — really thinking — about parenting. Am I doing it right? Do I like what I see through my children’s mirror eyes? Sometimes the answer is “yes” and I pat myself on the back. Other times the answer is “not so much.” It’s those times that I stop and ask myself whether I’m somehow to blame. And while the answer is almost never clear, I feel like I’ve got a respectable understanding of what it takes to raise a couple of goodhearted kids. That is, until my parents walk through the door and show me how it’s really done.
Who are these grandpeople able to parent like magic with infinite tenderness and compassion? Who are these gentle souls able to bring out the very best of my kids without even trying? Were my parents always this good at parenting or is this parental sorcery something they’ve developed over time?
I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know that my kids are different (really, really different) when they’re around. They’re happier, calmer, gentler, and more receptive overall. While I can only assume my kids are responding to some kind of placid energy their enchanted grandparents are putting out there, I find myself standing off to the side, mouth agape, wondering how to break me off a piece of that. Is there an online class I can take? Can I pledge some secret society?
Probably not, so I jot down mental notes and consider that maybe parenting doesn’t have to be so hard. Maybe I don’t have to parent from an exhausting place of fear or logic all the time. Maybe it’s as simple as parenting by heart.
Take a look at six grandparent behaviors I observed and how I’m looking to mimic my way to parental magic this year:
1. Listen. Really listen.
Grandparents have heard a lot of noise in their lives. They’ve seen it all and heard it all, but when a grandchild talks, they listen. They probably listen better than I ever have as a parent. They don’t feign interest or make limited eye contact before revisiting their Facebook feed — no! They stop whatever they’re doing and focus entirely on that grandchild struggling to formulate a very important sentence about Thomas the Train and those no good Troublesome Trucks. They delight in the mundane details of that cool rock found on the way to school that day and the five minutes it takes to tell a knock-knock joke all wrong. Grandparents love it all because they’ve lived enough life of pleasures and pains to know what really matters in this life — and it’s those kids.
2. Connect through touch.
I hug my kids all the time. I hold my little one’s hand (when he lets me). I snuggle up when I can, but my parents do these things differently. They don’t distance themselves throughout the day because they’re busy; they incorporate close proximity in nearly everything they do. They invite the kids to sit next to them while they watch TV or hand over the funny pages and pat the seat next to them while they read the paper. They take the time to sit down beside the child drawing a dinosaur at the kitchen table or place their hand over the youngest generation’s in recognition of how far the family has come. Their inviting energy is constant and it feels both safe and comfortable. While I have no doubt that my physical affections have the power to do the same, they aren’t something I need to stop and do, but rather incorporate into my everyday actions.
3. Incomparable understanding.
Hair-trigger reactions? Bad parent moments? Not with grandparents. Coming from the unique perspective of having traveled this parenting journey before, it takes a lot to rattle grandparents. Bad grades, a swallowed marble, missed curfews, and scratched bumpers are no match for these seasoned travelers. When it comes to guiding kids along the path to maturity, grandparents don’t get hung up on the little things. Instead, they see the bigger picture where good and bad flush out into a colorful story made only more beautiful by the challenges. They accept and love their grandchildren not only for who they will one day be, but for who they are in this very moment. Tomorrow will come and it will be what it will be. Today is precious and fleeting.
4. Impart wisdom.
My parents have this way of imparting wisdom that doesn’t come off as preachy or self-serving. They don’t shake their crooked fingers to warn of trouble ahead or use fear as a stepping stone to solid living. They share their stories with humor and candor, using quirky clichés and outdated references we can’t help but find endearing. And my kids eat it up. What kind of wizardry goes into that kind of enlightened storytelling? Seemingly the kind that opens doors of communication, sinking valuable life lessons into the bones of those who need to hear it most.
5. Spoil.
“It’s our job to spoil our grandkids!” my parents will say, but it’s how they spoil my kids that impresses me most. They spoil by attention and experiences. Whether it’s a trip to the space museum or the movies, or the time it takes to finish a difficult puzzle or cook a meal from scratch, my parents give generously of their time and hearts without worrying about the mess, what’s next, or whether they’re 10 minutes late to bed that night. For they know that when they spoil their grandchildren with love, they also spoil themselves.
6. Try.
I’ve gotta hand it to grandparents for always trying. They’ll gladly watch that third Lord of the Rings movie without ever having seen the first two. They’ll dine at that kid-friendly restaurant with plastic mac ‘n cheese knowing it makes the kids happy. They’ll get schooled on the interworkings of their phones by tech-savvy grandkids who know it better than they do. And they do it all with a smile, because they can, because they want to, and because it’s worth it.
In the end, I know my role as parent is different than that of a grandparent. I understand that it’s my job to meddle in details and logistics, but I also know that if my parents had to do it all over again, they’d parent more from the heart the first time. And that’s what I’m trying to do — for their young hearts as much as my own.
Images courtesy of Lori Garcia