Thanks to Disney Infinity for providing us with the game and Wii U for this post.
“Mom, I want video games for Christmas, and not just because they’re fun. They’re educational, too,” my tween informs me.
“Really? How so?” I ask, acutely aware that I’ve taken the wish-list bait.
“Because I learn strategy and patience and I have to rely on other people for help sometimes. That’s all important stuff in life,” he declares.
And so it is, my boy. As I toyed with the idea of a gaming-life metaphor, it occurred to me that parenting was an awful lot like a video game. Sometimes we’re winning, sometimes we’re losing, and sometimes we’re just playing to survive!
But what if parenting was a video game — could you imagine?
I could.
If parenting was a video game …
… “pew pew pew” would relate to smell rather than the sound of lasers, because obviously.
… getting out the door on time exceeds your child’s allowable actions per minute (APM).
… abandonware = dropping off the kids at Grandma’s.
… hit points (HP) from your kids prove that parenting is a dangerous sport.
… loading time signifies the duration between diaper changes.
… in order to survive, you’re required to fetch quest a minimum of 19 snacks a day.
… seasonal flu (oh, and lice) are your mortal enemies. You will stop at nothing to defeat them.
… a mother’s comfort (along with super cute adhesive bandages) yield massive heals per second (HPS).
… noob parents marvel at your hard-earned experience points (XP) — and they should.
… driving through a blizzard back to Target to retrieve a lost lovie earns you just enough health points to parent another day.
… you require a cool-down following a public tantrum — usually by way of cocktail.
… shareware = something your toddler knows nothing about.
… you worry whether crying it out will cause damage over time (DoT).
… potty training a toddler to aim inside the area of effect (AKA toilet) would earn you a level up, along with total bragging rights.
… failure to catch vomit with your bare hands would signal a critical hit, causing 1000 damage.
… quiet toddler moments are measured by damage per second (DPS) because there’s a difference between “quiet” and “too quiet.”
… glimpses into your child’s field of view (FOV) happen every time they get ahold of your cell phone. #kidselfie
… transporting a sleeping baby from your arms to a crib is a quick time event (QTE) requiring real-time strategy (RTS).
… your Instagram feed is filled with attract mode propaganda designed to convert the child-free.
… your kids have decided that everything you own is free for all (FFA), apparently.
… your precious newborn baby is the world’s most adorable miniboss.
… your child’s attack power (AP) has never been more apparent than when faced with a spotless house.
… date nights are required for parents to power-up. Send wine. And sleep.
… annual flu shots require a carefully calculated raid by key team players.
… your kid becomes an alt (alternate character) when she’s hungry.
… pwned = that feeling you get when nap victory is won over a super resistant and ever-so-tired opponent.
… an epic diaper explosion that forces you to declare a local state of emergency = GAME OVER. THANKS FOR PLAYING.
But this is just my version of the parenting game. Let us know what your parenting video game would be like in the comments below!
Image courtesy of Shutterstock.