It’s getting close to Christmas crunch-time, when the holiday spirit sometimes feels more manic than joyful. Are your cookies baked? Your gifts bought and wrapped? The house decorated? The partridge in the pear tree? Ah, but these are tasks that you can, for the most part, handle on your own or with your kids. (And have faith: you’ll get them done in time!) For me, the real stress of the season is visiting family. Unlike those other yuletide to-do’s, this is something I can’t fully control. There are too many variables involved. Namely, my parents, in-laws, and whatever tag-along friends they might pull into their orbit.
Expectations are high for holiday get-togethers: we’re going to have fun, dammit, just like those Christmases of so long ago. Except that now things are different. I’m not a kid anymore; I have a five-year-old son of my own. I feel a responsibility to honor my family’s requests to come together, but I also want to provide my son Felix a happy holiday with no fighting, antagonism, or stress. That’s not always easy when I’m visiting family or family members are visiting me. So to help myself, I’ve culled a list of common problems along with time-tested solutions to help me survive this holiday season. Here’s hoping you find some wisdom in here too.
1. The Problem: Your Parenting Styles Clash
Growing up, my dad was the authoritarian. My brother and I feared making him angry — he’d yell, and, when we were little, sometimes spank. In general, baby boomer men were less hands-on than today’s fathers, and had stricter views when it came to discipline. My wife and I take a more egalitarian approach to parenting; we split childcare duties even when we’re hanging out together. (Or at least we try. Sometimes our son has a particular preference for one of us over the other — her for bath time, say, or me for doing homework.) Our discipline style is more authoritative than authoritarian, fear doesn’t often work into the equation, or we try not to let it, anyway.
When I go home, my dad is still the patriarch. He drives the car, sets the tone, and asks the questions. Sometimes, this is great. When, as a toddler, Felix went through a tough period in which he played roughly with my dad’s dogs, my dad had no hesitation letting him know his behavior was inappropriate. Other times, our styles don’t align. This past Thanksgiving, he wanted to run Felix through his bedtime routine, and the kid only wanted his mom to put him to bed. He was crying, shaking, and screaming “no, no” at the top of his lungs. I’d seen this behavior before: he was having a panic attack. My dad insisted it was a tantrum. This was probably a case of me saying tomato and him saying tomato, but the bottom line is, we had different approaches to addressing Felix’s upset. I wanted to calm the boy with hugs, my dad wanted to let him cry it out. I ended up snapping at my dad for what I perceived as his insensitivity (I called my parents “idiots” — you can imagine how that went over), and he thought I was giving in and not being stern enough.
The Solution: Set Expectations In Advance
When I see a potential problem on the horizon, I do my best to address it calmly and directly before the visit, with the intention that everyone gets on the same page before miscommunications or misunderstandings arise. So, for example, after the Thanksgiving bedtime debacle, I sent an email about our forthcoming Christmas visit, asking my parents if they were agreeable to my wife and I putting Felix to bed on the night that we’re there. (One of the nights we’ll be out, and he’s all theirs — more on that below). They understood completely. I think my parents, like most, find it very fulfilling to see their children in a parental role. As long as you make clear that what limits you’ve set or what procedures you’ve put in place that you need them to respect, they probably won’t go out of their way to antagonize you. After all, no one wants to fight at the holidays. Well, unless you’re Italian American, like my family, in which case picking on people is sometimes how you show affection.
2. The Problem: My Son is Overstimulated and Spoiled
The snacks are sugary and plentiful; the toys are new and exciting; the TV is always on; people wait on him hand and foot; the attention is all on him at every moment, the word “no” goes out the window — visiting his grandparents’ house is heaven on earth for my son. Felix begins counting down the days at the start of the week, and a few times has had trouble sleeping the night before we go on a visit. When there, he stays up late, wakes up early, and hardly rests in between. A lot of times he doesn’t even stop to sit on the toilet, so his digestion gets all messed up too. The train ride home can be a nightmare, the rough transition from a world of pleasurable delights to the normal routine with mom and dad where he doesn’t always get what he wants. This is part of the fun of going to visit the grandparents, and it’s fun for them to have him. They get all the best parts of parenting with none of the hardship, and that makes sense — they already raised kids of their own. Still, it can be exhausting to deal with, both in the moment and especially in those over-tired days that will follow.
The Solution: Go with the Flow
In the grand scheme of life, a weekend of overindulgences is not such a big deal. In fact, don’t we all need that every now and then? My grandparents were fairly strict, but I had an aunt who let me stay up late watching television, fed me giant soup bowls full of ice cream, and gave me tall glasses of super-sugary lemonade to drink. This was a magical part of my childhood, and it’s also an essential lesson for our kids – sometimes the rules are lax when visiting family, but they’re more strict at home and school. It’s important that they know how to navigate that changing landscape.
Besides, Christmas and birthdays only come once a year, and having an over-the-top good time is what makes these occasions special. Don’t be a Grinch and deny them that fun! (Unless you’ve decided to cancel Christmas to teach them a lesson, like this family.)
3. The Problem: People Make Snarky Comments About My Parenting
We’ve all been there: overhearing a family member make a less-than-nice comment about your parenting style, a judgmental jab full of snark like, “In my day we were just happy to have a cookie, it didn’t matter if it was ‘organic‘ or not.” Sometimes it’s impossible not to overhear them because they’re delivered right to your face in the form of advice, or pointed questions. One recent gem I heard from a family member’s friend was, “Your son would be just fine if you had another kid or two.” Of course, the person speaking had no children — isn’t that always the case? — and hardly knew me, yet she knew that if my wife and I had another kid, everything would be just fine. Riiiight.
The Solution: Keep it Positive
Take a deep breath, and let negativity roll off your back. Remember that old adage, it’s best not to say anything at all if you don’t have anything nice to say. I’m not suggesting you let people pick on you, but it might be smart to minimize your engagement. In the case of the “have more kids” comment, I explained why, for our lifestyle, my wife and I just weren’t that interested in having more kids. When the speaker replied with inane comments about how only children are spoiled, I said some of the most interesting and well-adjusted people I know are only children. And when she continued to go on, I ignored her and didn’t engage — she obviously had her mind made up, and I was wasting my breath. You need to pick your battles, and some people aren’t worth the stress. In general, I plaster a pleasant smile on my face and keep my real feelings to myself. (Isn’t that the definition of being a part of a family?)
4. The Problem: I Need Space
As a child, my parent’s three-bedroom house seemed a lot bigger. Now, when there are sometimes six grown-ups, at least three barking dogs, and one kid, plus several TV’s going, holiday music playing, and neighbors popping unannounced in and out, it can be hard to find a quiet room to recharge my socializing batteries, or check in on my online personal life. I guess that’s just what happens with age, right? Your need for personal space gets bigger, while the house itself seems smaller.
Even when it’s just me, Felix, and my parents, figuring out my role in the family can be challenging. I sometimes find myself standing around my parents’ house, listening to Felix giggle his head off with all the fantastic fun he’s having with his nana and pop-pop and feeling like a fifth wheel, unsure what exactly I should do with myself. Felix doesn’t need me, and neither do my mom and dad! A funny type of boredom sets in, and I feel almost like a teenager again, wanting to do something but not sure of what.
The Solution: Make a Date Night
While my parents are happy to see me home for the holidays, they’re even more excited to see their grandson. There’s a freedom in not being an essential part of the proceedings. Take full advantage of it and get the hell out of there! Go for a walk, meet up with old friends, shop, read a book at a cafe. Better still, use the opportunity to rekindle your romance. My wife and I always get out at least once when visiting the grandparents. Usually, we see a movie, something that’s become a special occasion, since dinner + movie + a babysitter in New York City is rare. We’ve learned not to rush back home either, but to enjoy an after movie drink. Our son is in great hands, so we relax and enjoy ourselves, just two people in love and out on the town.
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