Sorry, Amber, Bethany, Joseph, and Ethan. Don’t bother wondering if Santa is checking to see which list you’re on this year, because your name has already been Sharpied on the “Naughty” one. But before you try to track down some Wite-Out and begin a period of serious self-reflection and figuring out exactly where you went wrong, know that it’s not you, it’s your parents. They gave you a name that doomed you to an ill temperament. Shakespeare was spot-on about lots of stuff (the course of true love totally never did run smooth), but the whole rose by any other name not smelling as sweet thing? Nope. Just nope.
Rose will always be a sweet smelling (and sounding) name. But have it legally changed to Holly and it’s a whole other story.
That’s because Holly is included on the list of 20 baby names belonging to the naughtiest children in 2014, according to an annual SchoolStickers.com survey. Lest you think the list is arbitrary, know that there is a method to the madness, as the site asked 58,000 children to log how many stickers they received as rewards at school. Those with the least stickers landed on the Naughty list.
Of course the unscientific part of all of us knows that it doesn’t take tens of thousands of stickers to get that some names just reek of time-outs, groundings, and notes sent home from the teacher. It’s practically how we chose our kids’ names, isn’t it? If you knew a girl in kindergarten named Valerie who always had celery for a snack and frequently forced you to eat sand during recess while the playground monitor’s back was turned, do you really think her name will end up as a finalist for your baby girl? And is there really any wonder why you have an aversion to crunchy green vegetables?
It’s a truth universally acknowledged, isn’t it, that the Caitlins and Camerons among us are most likely to be doing the hitting and punching in gym class or painting the bottoms of their sneakers in art class instead of the paper on the table?
Who’s that over there with the wings and halos, you ask? Well, that’s Samuel, Jack, Emily and Amy, of course. Alice, Grace, Harry and Oliver? Oh, they’re not here right now; they’re spending the afternoon at the local retirement home playing Scrabble with the residents and decorating cookies for the holidays.
Yes, some kids are destined for greatness simply because their parents named them well. But then there are the Jades of the world …
Here are the naughtiest kids of the year, according to SchoolStickers.com:
GIRLS
1. Ella [Enchanted? More like possessed.]
2. Bethany [Swap the “a” for an “e” and tack on another “n” and you have your own reality-diva in the making.]
3. Eleanor [Sometimes the ones that seem most simple are the naughtiest of them all.]
4. Olivia [The little pig from Nick isn’t just a tough fictional character.]
5. Laura [Sounds innocent? So does a mouse spider.]
6. Holly [Obviously not very jolly, amiright?]
7. Courtney [Because the name worked out so well for Courtney Love.]
8. Amber [Hooters is hiring, Amber. We thought you’d want to know.]
9. Caitlin [Oh, great. She has her own league.]
10. Jade [What, were Diamond, Crystal and Chastity already taken?]
BOYS
1. Joseph [One word: DICTATOR.]
2. Cameron [Two words: Bent nose.]
3. William [Oh, yes, surely yours will be just like the Prince.]
4. Jake [You mean the snake?]
5. Joshua [Rhymes with chihuahua. Kind of. Regardless, both are annoying.]
6. Jamie [Lynn Spears? Lee Curtis? Foxx? Is there a good answer here?]
7. Lewis [To be fair, it could be worse. It could be Clark.]
8. Benjamin [As in Button? Which stage Brad Pitt are we talking about here? Because it makes a difference.]
9. Ethan [Not only is he a Pokémon character, but he’s a protagonist.]
10. Luke [If we’re talking about the Wilsons, he’s the one who’s not Owen.]
And here are the nicest:
GIRLS
1. Amy
2. Georgia
3. Emma
4. Charlotte
5. Grace
6. Sophie
7. Abigail
8. Hannah
9. Emily
10. Alice
BOYS
1. Jacob
2. Daniel
3. Thomas
4. James
5. Adam
6. Harry
7. Samuel
8. Jack
9. Oliver
10. Ryan
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