Motherhood is a strange beast.
At once associated with the image of a restful woman with pink-tinted cheeks holding a cherub-like chubby baby to her bosom as she sits in a field of flowers, it is also a time in our lives when we groan like a cow to push a human being from a hole in our body, spend days literally wading through bodily excretions, and are intimately acquainted with the feeling that we could tear someone’s flesh off with our bare hands if they dared harm our precious offspring.
So in honor of the strange contradictions of life as a mom, I present my own totally weird confessions about motherhood.
1. I get a deep satisfaction from picking my baby’s nose.
Yes, it’s gross. But it’s also the truth. Sometimes, when I get my daughter out of her crib in the morning and see that gorgeous goober just begging to be plucked, it’s the highlight of my morning. Let’s just forget for a moment how strange I may be for admitting this and focus on the fact that you know you’ve all done it too — and it’s strangely satisfying to know your baby finally has a fresh airway to breathe from. Ahhh …
2. I pick my kids’ earwax out of their ears.
Honestly, what else are you supposed to do with it? You’re not supposed to use Q-tips anymore and when you see that big chunk of wax just sitting there, it wouldn’t be acceptable to just leave it. Sometimes, a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do.
3. I kind of like the smell of breast milk.
I don’t even know what to say except it’s out there now, so there’s no going back, but I like to think it’s not because I’m actually some kind of weirdo, but because the scent of it is associated with the sweet memories of my babies. (That must be it, right? Right?!)
4. I love baby breath.
Have you ever noticed that a baby’s breath just cannot smell bad? In fact, baby breath smells delicious. I purposefully sniff my baby’s breath and find it, much like every other part of my baby, charming.
5. Baby poop does not disgust me.
My current baby’s poop is so putrid smelling I wonder if she is actually secretly a trucker living on fast food and fried pork rinds, but although the smell of her waste permeates the entire house, I don’t find it offensive by any means. I have, on more than one occasion, found a smear of that yellow, mustard-seed poop on my being and simply went about my day because, well, it’s “just” baby poop.
6. But toddler and older kids’ snot is my arch nemesis.
I’m probably the world’s worst mother for admitting this, but I loathe the season of hell also known as cold-and-flu season. Nothing drives me battier than the endless sound of children sniffling or that disgusting smack my toddler makes with his lips when he actually drinks his own boogers before I can make yet another mad dash to him to wipe his nose—an event that also results in me wrestling him to the ground because he fights me off with all of his two-year-old might. Why can’t he just stand there like a normal child and let me wipe his snot?!
7. I secretly think my kids’ germs are less germy.
You’d better believe that I cling to those sanitizing wipes at the grocery store as my last defense between my children and a death sentence of Ebola, but if I happen to see my kid wipe his nose and then touch the steering wheel on that blasted race car cart? Well, I just have to convince myself that germs are a part of life and hope that the next parent after me is just as germaphobic as me.
Image via j&j brusie photography
More by Chaunie: